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|Hello. I'll keep this short as I can.
So I'm with my girlfriend for more than two years now. So far, this is the longest relationship I've ever had. She's my first girlfriend but I've dated several guys before. Dating her, I think, is the best thing that happened to me. She gave me almost eveything I wanted --material or not, even if I wasn't asking for them. I am basically a spoiled girl when I'm with her. She listens to every problem I have and she'll stay with me even if she has no advice for me. She's very patient and can tolerate my mood swings and mean attitude and even becomes my brakes when I go hostile and mean to anyone I dislike. I am very comfortable around her, I think. I loved making love with her. I can tell her everything I want, from aliens to magical creatures to evrything that comes in to my mind. She's not only my lover, she 's also my best friend. You could say that what we had was almost perfect.
Lately, our relationship is not that great anymore. I know most of it is my fault. I'm getting bored and even if I try to re-ignite the spark, it will eventually fade after a few days or weeks. I don't get excited anymore when I see her and most of the time, I catch myself wishing to be left alone. I liked being with her all the time but now I'd would rather be spending my time reading a book alone. The times that I always check my phone for her messages is replaced by my lame excuses not to talk to her. We are living together for almost a year now but I am staying at my mom's place for more than a week and I don't feel like I like to go back to her. Before, her clinginess did not bother me but now it's different. Sometimes, I am annoyed when she touches me intimately and the fact that she never let me touch her back makes me furious. I've tried to talk it out but it never worked. Then the topic of me touching her became a taboo. Sex was always one way.
I know it is hard but she haven't come out yet and I don't think she 'll do that soon. She's family oriented and I don't want to make her choose me over her family. That is just very mean but it will make me definitely happy if even one of her relatives knew about us. I just don't think that it will happen.
I know she's feeling that we're in the brink of losing it. Yet, she's still trying to communicate with me and act normal. She's still asking me to come home, says she loves me and that she misses me. Yes, I would reply back that I love her too and I miss her too, but I can't even convince myself that I mean what I am saying. I feel guilty for doing this to her. I don't know myself if I still love her and if I still want to continue this. I don't know if I don't really love her anymore or this is just a phase in our relationship and I am just being stressed about my parents' separation.
No, I am not seeing anyone and I don't think I will in the future. I think I am not made for any relationship. I know too that I am a horrible person but I still want to hear your thoughts about this.
PS: Sorry for the long story. I thought I made it short but thank you for reading. ☺
|Hi. I don't know why you think you are a horrible person. It seems normal to me that you would be confused in your relationship. On one hand, you are with someone who treats you good and is attentive. On the other hand, it is a huge struggle to be with someone who is not out - and who will not share themselves sexually. These two issues are the same. She is so ashamed of who she is in terms of sexual orientation, that she will not tell anyone - and she will not let herself accept any pleasure from you.
This is a difficult situation. I personally would not be in a relationship that like. If it were me, I would tell her I wanted an open relationship due to the fact that it will never be complete until she resolves her internal homophobia. With the relationship being open, you do not have to count solely on her - but you do not have to dismiss her from your life either. This will also allow her, and encourage her, to deal with her self-internalized homophobia.
Please do not say that you can never be in another relationship and that you are not worthy of it. You most certainly can - and you are!
Let her take care of herself, you move on and take care of yourself - and stay open to her. If you are meant to come together fully again, you will.