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Silence21

 

Joined: 2013-10-09
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Hello,

I have already posted this story on other sites,but i need more advice.. It's killing me and i don't know where else to search for answers...

I am really sorry for this long post, also for my english..
I am so lost and could use any advice...

I have been in a long-distance relationship for 1 year and 4 months now and I have known my girlfriend for 2 years before we first started dating. This relationship was everything to me and still is, I love my girlfriend truly.. and I was never this happy in my entire life. I know for sure that she loves me, we really have an amazing bond, we've had it even as friends but once we fell in love it got even deeper and stronger.. Our feelings were always mutual, our views on life and reality were the same, it was just like knowing what the other person is thinking and feeling.. Knowing someone to the very core.

We had this amazing,perfect relationship full of love,care, tenderness, jealousy as well but it made our love go further and deeper.. I felt that she truly loved me and couldn't live without me.. I was her only true friend during really hard times,just like she was to me.. Everything was just perfect.. we live in the same country,but not in the same city so we managed to meet in person only 2 times,which was really hard to do but we did it.. We live in a very homophobic country,our parents are homophobic as well, so this is really a true forbidden relationship...
Everything was going just perfect,of course we had our ups and downs like every relationship,but we always loved each other and cared for each other above everything else.. I felt like i could always lean on her, and she always said that she feels the same way..
We kept telling each other how we cannot see an end for this relationship.. and I must say that i still can't get a picture of her never coming back to me and not being with me till the end..

Everything bad started 2-3 months ago when her parents started forbidding her everything,her phone,her private things, kept her indoors and she wasn't able to contact anyone for those 2-3 months.
I must add that we've been planning on moving in with each other last year (as friends") and her parents forbid her to move to an other town,even though she is an adult.. ( they are really controlling )
But everything started going down in those 2 months, we were not able to contact each other or anything, i heard from her 2 times and the only thing she said was that she can't be with me anymore,that she can't take it to be in any relationship at all, that she needs to make things up to her friends ( which she chose not to contact for some time while she was with me - i never said anything against her going out with her friends), and to her parents ( which is not needed at all,because they are the ones treating her badly and not the other way around ) i asked her if she loved me and she wouldn't say anything, after begging and begging she finally said "it stopped okay" like she just stopped loving me in those 2 months without contact.

I was shocked,desperate.. I begged her to come to her senses.. asked her if she could be happy without me,she didn't answer at all. We always say that you can truly love only one person in this life,and that it's the highest point.. the beginning and ending of everything.. and we always said that we feel like that for each other... I felt her love truly.. and i love her with all my heart,she is all i ever dreamed of...
And i know that she was truly happy with this relationship.. with our love.. and all of a sudden it all ended? I couldn't believe it and i still don't believe it's true.
I asked her if she met someone else and she said no,she didn't leave the house at all.. So i still believe that you can't just stop loving someone especially if your love was so strong,and nothing happened that could make you feel less for that person...
I asked her if she could be with someone else and she first said "No'' and then she said after this mess is cleaned( in her family ) she'd be with anyone" which hurt deeply because we really had something special.. and now she'd be with anyone"...

She even said " I can't be with you even if you are my true soulmate" and she said that she believes that she can't have a love like ours with anyone else...
She got her phone back, she started college,met new people and it's all killing me, because i always knew what was going on in her life and now i have no clue.. she's being very cold to me,very distant, she's been ignoring me,telling me she'd love it more than anything if i moved on,found someone new... Today i called her and asked her how she's doing, and if she is happier now and she said no" and afterwards she said something like she doesn't care.. But i heard it in her voice that she is lonely and acting like something she's not..
I've been thinking and thinking and i've realized that she is probably just scared that her parents might find out she's gay, they would really harm her, and i can understand that she is now closed up,that she's running away from me like i'm the plague.. I must add that this kind of break up happened once before, 4 months into this relationship.. but it lasted for 7 days,she came back.. and said" now i am ready to fight for this" back then she's been telling me the same things she is now,that she needs her space,peace,time for her friends ect.. but she always chose to be around me all the time...

I asked her this time why she came back to me the first time she broke up and she said "because you made me happy"
I feel that she is lying to herself,running away from what she is.. She might still love me.. i believe she does.. but even if not.. she is just lying and being something she's not.. She didn't even contact her friends now and she's been telling me that she needs that, like she needs them more than me..

She's acting like she needs to be cold to me,she refuses to tell me what is going on inside of her.. And i feel like i can't reach her at all.. Which is very unknown and unusual to me.. The only difference between this and the last break up is that back then i was able to soften her and to make her feel stronger.. to make her realize what we had.. and this time it seems like i can't.. and this time it's been going on for over 2 months... which is really really long...

I just can't believe that a love like ours would end just like that.. She was even ready to die for me.. I felt it.. Our love and feelings were always the same,very mutual.. I just feel like the only logical explanation is that she is too scared that her parents might find out.. and to forbid her everything again.. She might feel like she won't be enough for me now..
She even said ( like the first time she broke up) that she wants a "normal" and easier" life..
I am sure that she just keeps to herself now,and feels like it's the easier way.. but i am sure that she will never be happy like that.. She is just too scared.. And i would do anything to make her realize that we are the right path... That she mustn't give up on us... But i feel like everything i say just pushes her more away from me.. She is very stubborn and if she is convincing herself now that this is for the best.. she might really give up on us..

I know that she wants and needs so much more from this life than just a few friends,going out and being with just anyone".. she would always tell me how she is enormously happy because she won't end up like her parents.. because of our love..

She is my whole life.. I am so lost without her.. i feel like i know her better than myself.. and all of this is such a big shock for me.. Even now when she is so harsh to me i feel like she's just someone who needs my love.. and needs to give her love to me... Like i always felt during our whole relationship.. I let her so deep into my life.. and i've learned everything about hers.. It was not meant to end so fast.. so rough...

I can't and don't want to give up on her.. I feel like if i break off the contact now again it will all be lost.. I feel like i need to fight for this more than ever now... I just don't know how.. without pushing her even more away from me....
She is very stubborn and I don't know how to make her realize that she is making a huge mistake.. I know that this is not what she wants to be..

It was all perfect until her parents took everything away from her, I am sure that we would still be together happily if that didn't happen.. She was never ashamed of our relationship or her own orientation but she always feared to be discovered by her parents.. I feel like all her wires were cut by this fear and this whole situation..
I still feel so close to her.. Like i know that she is suffering inside...

I am so scared that i will lose her.. I am so sorry for this long post... but please if someone has some advice on what i should do... or if someone has had a similar situation.. please i am going crazy... I am so scared that i might push her away.. or that i am not enough for her to realize that she is making a huge misitake..


Thank you so much in advance :(

marshmallow

 

Joined: 2011-05-25
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Thank you for sharing your story - and I feel so bad for you that you are going through this. 

Homophobia causes so much pain.  You are two women who obviously love each other very deeply, but are not being allowed to love because of homophobic parents and a homophobic society.  This is a very hard situation to be in.

I agree with your thought that the reason she is being distant and moving on is because of her fear of her parents and what they will do to her.  You mentioned that she has always been scared of them and it seems now they stepped up their game and are making her even more scared.

I think it is her situation at home that has confused her, scared her and has got her running.

I'm not sure what your ages are, but I'm afraid that right now there isn't much the two of you can do.  Especially because even if you decided to run away together (or something to do that affect) you would run into homophobia every step of the way - and perhaps do not have enough life experience and earning capabilities to survive it all.  It also sounds like she wants to try out a life of being like everybody else.  It also sounds like she doesn't want to give up all her privileges that her parents offer her. 

Don't take it personal.  She obviously has very strong feelings for you but outside forces (who are in her day to day life) are placing extreme pressure on her.

To be honest, I do not think there is anything you can do right now.  She needs to take the path she is on and as she grows more independent of her parents she will hopefully decide to honor her true feelings and do what is right for her - no matter what the consequences.

The best thing you can do is honor the path she is on right now.  Set her free to figure herself out and let her know that you are here for her if she decides to come back.  Try to understand the pressure she is under right now and do not add to it.  That is love. 

In the meantime, what is most important for you is to take care of yourself.  You can and will survive this.  Keep your heart open to her but take care of yourself by moving on as well.  You don't have to fall deeply in love with someone - just live your life.  Meet people, focus on school, career, make a life.  If you are angry - funnel that into fighting for lgbt rights.  That is, after all, the actual reason why you two split up. 

I do not know what type of lgbt support systems you have, and how bad it is in your country.  If you can find other lgbt people who can become friends with I would suggest you do that. 

It may be that you need to just focus your goals on getting out of such a homophobic country at some point in the future.  This sounds drastic, but it is so much better in other countries!  It may seem like a huge thing to do, but take it one day at a time. 

Focus on school because knowledge is power.  Power is money.  Once you have knowledge, power and money you can more effectively fight for rights in your country - or move to another one.

This might not be the response you were hoping for but I don't think you will talk her out of what she is doing.  Be the person she can always feel comfortable with.  Don't add to her stress.  Hopefully her path will bring her back to you.  In the meantime focus on you. 

Stay safe.  It will get better.  Hope this helped.  Keep posting as much as you like.

marshmallow

 

Joined: 2011-05-25
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Have you heard of Melissa Etheridge?  A very out lesbian in the US.  This song is one that she says reminds her of living in a small homophobic town and what it was like to hide the love:



 

and then one in which she asks American to stand up for their rights.  And where are we now?  Able to get married in many states and everybody gets federal rights:



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