So this is me saying hey. I am a 22 year old bisexual girl. Perhaps even more pansexual I suppose. I love people without gender ever being an issue. That is not something I look at.
I have been dealing with depression lately. I am constantly hit with my regrets when I am deep in thought. I am in a bit of a bad relationship with a man. He is a bit abusive... and never sees me as I really am. I have to be straight in his eyes. This relationship might come to an end someday.. I am waiting for that day so that I can tell the girl that I fell in love with long ago about my true feelings. I missed my chance in highschool because of my religious upbringing.. I was too scared to push that boundary. Now that I have lived away from that for five years I gained a better understanding of my desires.
I have yet to tell my family of my sexuality. No reason to at the current time. The man in my life knows, but as I said.. he didn't take it too well and neither did his family. However, my friends all back me up. So I get a decent amount of support from them.
I hate hiding. I hate surviving off of lesbian/bi pornography >:| because my man don't like to satisfy me in the ways I need >.> Uhg... I think I am just in an unhealthy relationship and lifestyle. I crave change and freedom to be me. *Hugs* thanks for listening!
I know she will never see this, but Mercedes I love you :3 that time you held my hand when I walked you to class was probably the highlight of my entire highschool experience. I wanted to kiss you before sending you off. LOL The fact that I didn't became one of my regrets I constantly think about.
You are going through a struggle that all of us in our community have battled with at some point. This is the reality of coming to terms with our/your sexuality.
The other reality is that you will need to be strong enough to come out and face who you are or you will always feel like life is dark days in hell...
What struck me from your post is that you seem to be waiting for your current relationship to end so that you can go to where you heart is. Why wait?
The best thing you can do for someone whom you love, whether family or a lover, is to be honest with them. And, yes, you came out to the man you are with - but he isn't accepting it too well and you really seem like you would rather be elsewhere. So, there is more for you to be honest with him about. Set both of you free.
As far as friends and family - that is a touchy issue. We all have to come out to people when we are ready and feel safe. Often, feeling safe is the same as feeling strong and prepared . We need to be strong, centered and self assured because all we have control over is being honest about who we are. We can not control the responses of those we love. And, there is usually a bit of a rough patch after coming out - but usually those we love follow their own path toward acceptance and then come back.
My suggestion would be to find an lgbt community center and go make friends. The internet is great - and we are here for you - but there is nothing like getting to know people in the flesh and blood and building bonding relationships with them. Believe me - there are plenty other lgbt people out there.
Coming out for me was the best thing I ever did! Read the threads on this site and you will see how so many people have struggled with the same issue as you, did what they had to do and then felt relief.
Don't regret not sharing your love with Mercedes too much - if you two are meant to be together, you will be. Otherwise - there is much love out there and you will feel it again with the right person.
And we've come full circle - it doesn't seem like the man you are with now is that person - and - you seem very ready to set yourself free. So do it! Be strong, be proud. Know you are a beautiful person and don't be swayed by other's judgements!
Wow Marshmallow! Thank you for your reply! You brighten my day. I look forward to building new relationships. I am always in need of more friends. My friends have dwindled due to moving across the country. I want to spread my wings and fly high. I believe I will start with letting everyone know who I am. I managed to tell my very much understanding older brother recently about me. He was supportive! So thanks again for your motivation.