Lately I've been having a problem I'm not sure how to fix, or if it even makes any sense, or why it is. A little background I guess is that I'm a 21 year old female living in a university town. Anyway,
I've never been able to clearly identify myself as a lesbian or bisexual, or really any other 'category' I've heard. I'm just never certain and honestly am not sure if I believe in all of it. The thing is, I've been dating a guy for a little while and I don't know what I think.
I've only ever dated girls, and it's not the fact that I'm dating a guy now that rubs me the wrong way. It's that I panic whenever I know I'm going to see him. Any time we make plans, I panic. Tonight it's really bad.
I went home for a weekend and he was messaging me saying he wanted to ask me something but it had to be in person and blah blah blah, and I knew he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. So, as a result, when I got back I avoided him for almost two weeks. I only gave one word answers to texts he sent, and only answered one of every ten or so just so he knew I hadn't fallen off the earth, and to feel like less of a jerk. But the thing is, I'm just so overwhelmed by all of this and I'm in panic mode constantly. I don't know what it is about him, or if it's just me.
I know it must be just me.
I spoke to my mother about this and she said that this was why she doesn't believe in people being 'gay'. Because girls who say they are lesbians are actually just afraid to get close to the opposite gender, that it's a power issue and because I don't feel safe but it's something I'll overcome. She told me to go out with him and to forget about everything and not to be afraid to fall in love- I think she's just happy it's not another girl this time.
I'm meeting with him tonight because it's my last night here, and also the first time I'm seeing him since I've been avoiding him. I'm panicking again- the thing I've been trying to avoid, and I have no idea why.
Has anybody else ever gone through something similar? Does it get better? Is my mom right, and it's something I'll overcome if I keep trying? Or am I pushing myself into something that just isn't for me? Any advice would be great.
I think the last statement you made is correct. You are pushing yourself into something you don't want to do.
Don't worry about putting a label on yourself and just spend time with/date people who feel good to you. If they are causing you to panic then avoid it because you are trying to force yourself to do something you do not want to do. Unless, of course, you are feeling more of a nervous stomach because you are totally crushing on someone
I have to say that I do not agree with your mom's statement that you don't want to date men because of some power issue. There are plenty of strong willed women out there who are attracted to men (Pink for example)! The idea that lesbians are afraid of getting close to men is an antiquated notion and makes no sense. People are born with an attraction to the same sex, the opposite sex or a little of both - it is in our DNA and we all figure that out at some point. However, nobody ever became a lesbian because they are scared of men...... seriously. Either you feel a drive to have intimate contact with a woman or not.
Now, if you said that you really do not like women sexually and they turn you off then I would wonder why you were dating them. But, you didn't mention that.
Don't worry about all this so much. Just live life and connect with those that it feels natural to connect with. Forget the labels.
What was the inititial draw for you to date this boy in the first place?