Well, my story goes like this:
Im 25 years old, and I had a lesbic heartbreak a year ago, which transformed me. For good and for bad. It made me stronger, and powerful in some ways. And in other ways it backed me off, and now I have this unbearable attitude where I say to myself that “I don’t know love, and I don’t believe in my ideals of love, because they have all been destroyed. But for now, I have better things to do. I’m love depressed”
Until now, I have said I’m bisexual… So I thought: “I’m going to rest from women, and go with men, ha!”
But.. Now I have problems about the ways guys act towards me, mostly because I have this (I don’t know if delusional) sense that they treat me as if I were so delicate (specially after THAT love, which made me feel and act quite masculine). I also criticize their need to dominate, because I’m also a very dominating person lately. Sometimes I feel like my essence gets stolen whenever guys take so much domain.
I do love men in a sexual way. But I also care about the psychological aspects and lately I fear that this “invisible psychological wall” will never leave unless I accept my feminine role again. And I don’t know if that can happen.
I constantly ask myself if I’m having sexual orientation crisis (am I a lesbian?), or if I’m just having a more general love crisis, and I have to let myself heal first.
I also have this problem: sometimes I feel in the position of not wanting to know anything about love (for a while). But sometimes I tell myself that I need to learn about love NOW, because it is the age when I should care about it, even though it hurts, and that I need to solve my issues instead of running away from them.
Any opinion will be very appreciated!
Well, you are right. You should not run away from love. There isn't a person in this world who hasn't been hurt by love - whether the person they love leaves them of their own accord - or if something tragic happens. Nonetheless, if you ask, most people will say the pain is worth it because the benefits they get from having experienced love outweighs the pain (even though it may not really feel like it when you are in the middle of the painful part).
How can you really avoid love? What type of existence would that be? Hey, even those who manage to stay away from other humans end up loving their pets and then feel pain when they are gone. When my dog died I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with myself. Then someone said to me that he knew I was a fortunate person because he knew that I had been able to love because of the pain I was currently feeling. One doesn't feel that kind of pain if one hasn't felt true love. You know, that really helped me. I was lucky to have known that love (even though it was a dog, it can be rewarding, right?).
So, now I take that sentiment into other realtionships. I had many heartbreaks until I found my now wife of 25 years. The universe brings you what you need, and I do believe that there is alot of importance in the timing of when you intersect and connect with others. If it is supposed to happen it will.
Since you are saying that you love sex with men as well as women then I would say you are definitely bisexual. The fact that you are more masculine than the typical straight woman doesn't necessarily relate to your sexual orientation. There are plenty of strong straight women. And that is OK. You are a strong woman (which the world tends to define as "masculine" and that is just ine. You will meet men - or women - who like that in a woman. Its all a matter of preference.
Be yourself, follow your heart and it will not feel all that difficult.
It is important to let down your guard after you have experienced heartbreak. Afterall, you wouldn't want that love gone by to be your last, would you?