I know this is probably asked all of the time on these sites but it is a very difficult thing to answer by yourself and I don't have anyone that I can really talk about it. I'm 19 and lately I have been considering the fact that I could be gay. It started randomly at work, I was doing a deli shift so I was stuck with the dishes. Out of nowhere I began to have a sexual fantasy about another man. This brought on a raging boner and a shit ton of questions instantaneously. I have been toying with this idea so I thought I would try and watch some gay porn and see where that went. Lets just say that took me to the bathroom. Now I am even more confused going 19 years thinking that I was completely straight. Yesterday I started thinking about past behavior and that brought more questions. When I was still in high school I did get bullied but because of the fact that I was a guy and I hated sports. I also, at all times avoided the conversations that my guy friends had about girls. I would either ignore them or leave the room just to get out of it. If I was unable to get out of it I would just say sure to every question until they would get mad and punch me. I have had girlfriends but one was when I was in 7th grade and that didn't go anywhere and the other was my best friend later on in 10th grade. Since she was my best friend I was already close but nothing really changed for me other than the fact that we went to dinner a few times. Now I have never had sex with either a guy or girl and I am confused as hell. I try imagining myself in sexual situations with both genders but I find the thought of rubbing up against another guy very satisfying. WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO DAMN DIFFICULT?! I have been losing a lot of sleep to this and it is started to effect my work... Please help
I think it is difficult because being gay is still stigmatized in alot of the country. It takes a while to accept the fact that we are gay because we are fighting all the negativity we hear our whole lives. We're expecting to feel the same feelings toward the opposite sex as all our friends do and then we start to realize that its not the same for us. We expect to travel in a certain direction, then get surprised when we find our interests lie elsewhere. That is why its hard.
It sounds like you are definitely feeling yourself being drawn to men and so you should follow your natural instincts. Be confident in, and proud of, yourself. Don't loose sleep over it. You will find a diverse community of lgbt people in the world - and they will be like a second family to you. Try to search out a local lgbt support center so you can talk about your feelings with others who really get it. And they can be friends and you can go out and explore the gay lifestyle with each other.
And, if you try men and it doesn't work for you - no big deal. Get out there, follow your instincts and do what makes you happy.
Always remember that you are perfect the way you are. Always be proud - nobody can take that away from you.
It isn't other people that I am worried about. It is me that I am worried about. The last time I cared what others thought was in high school and that made me too depressed to want to remember those days. I just can't be comfortable with other people if I can't be comfortable with myself. I also looked at some groups but I really don't have a group close by. The closest one is 20 miles away and still living with my parents thar would be somewhat difficult to explain. The other thing I am worried about is I really REALLY want to talk to my brother about this. Being an identical twin(whether we act like it or not) we will always be eachother's closest friend. I just feel that if I talk to him about this it becomes real if you understand what I'm trying to say here.
I'm glad to hear you are self aware and not concerned about what others think. I'm not exactly clear on how you are worried about yourself. Is it because you fear that your support system will turn on you? Is it because you just do not know how to move forward and how to meet other gay men? Is it because you, yourself, have some internal homophobia and you are worried that there is something wrong with you?
Or, are you just worried that you aren't sure if you are gay or not and it is frustrating? If this is the case, and based on your feelings that you describe in your post, I would say that you sound gay to me. Just thinking about men and seeing gay porn, etc. gets you turned on. I think that is a pretty strong signal. I would say further exploration at some point is in order. Keep in mind there is no rush to put a label on yourself. Relax and see what happens.
Do you want to talk with your brother for him to say it is OK so that you feel OK about it? Or, do you just want to see if he thinks you might be gay too?
In the end, this is your decision to make and one of the most intuitive ones you will ever make in your life. The decision will come naturally if you let go of any fear of it and just see. I think you already know.
I can go all day telling myself thatI will talk to him about ths but when the time comes I just get really nervous. Then I tell myself some stupid reason to hold off on saying anything. Sorry about being so vague but I was tired. What I was trying to say was that if I talk to him about this and later down the road my feelings change you can't take something like this back. I've never been so confused and sure of something at the same time. Also I haven't said thank you yet. You are being very helpful and it is GREATLY appreciated.
I am finding this insanely frustrating. This is not the first time these feelings and questions have came up in my head but last time I just buried them deep and forgot all about it. I live in tiny towns with nobody to talk to. I talked to my brother and I completely regret it now because he was no help at all and was not answering any of my questions. All that he said was talk to my gay cousin who I hardly know and only see on occasion at family get togethers. How exactly do you just let go of the fears. The fear of how my family will react. The fear of how ky friends will react. The fear of trying to meet new people. The uncertainty is killing me. I am just worried that if I say that I am (gay/straight/bi) and my feelings change I will hurt someone that I had become close to. How do people battle with this for years? It has only been a few months that I have been battling these feelings and I am going insane when I am alone. I have buried myself into video games all my life and I just cant seem to play them anymore. I know my family will notice that something is up and I just dont think I would be able to say what is bothering me.
I think your brother had a great idea. Even though you are not close to your cousin, he is gay and has probably gone through exactly what you are experiencing - and - he is family so he may know who in the family is open. The two of you can go out exploring together - maybe find an lgbt support center somwhere. People who are gay typically have open arms to each other so it doesn't matter if you are close now - he will be there for you. And you will become close.
I lived in KY (LaGrange - just outside of Louisvile) for a few years - and it can be tough being out to people in the country - but Louisville itself is very liberal. They have a great gay bar with an exceptional drag show.
If you are not sure you are gay why do you want to jump the gun and worry about telling people? Your sexual identity issue is one that only you can solve - no one else can tell you whether you are gay. There is no rush. Just relax and the mystery will unfold. In the meantime do not worry too much about coming out to people. I was gay for 6 years before I came out to family. It is much better to come out when you have accepted yourself fully and are more grounded and centered.
Please do not worry so much about all this. Take your time exploring your sexuality and when you are sure about who you are, then think about coming out to people. If you go out to explore (maybe with your cousin?) - try to do it outside of your community so that you can remain anonymous for now.
Definitely approach your cousin. Just give him a call and ask to meet for coffee. He may already have an idea that you may be gay - and he just may know what you want to talk about.
However all this ends up - know that you are a beautiful person and it is ok if you are gay, straight, bi - whatever. Take it slow ...... OK? Everything will work out in the end.