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Saxxymane

 

Joined: 2013-01-14
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So, recently the holidays came and went... and this is still bugging me some...
My parents are divorced, and while my mom (who I lived with and I am SO glad that I lived with her and not Scott >.>;) re married and found true love and found a keeper, Scott has lived with his parents down on the border of Texas and Mexico, and has been hopping jobs and girlfriends for about 16 years (His current one is on 4 years. new record?) Anyway, so because he doesn't see me much (mostly cause he drinks too much to remember who I am) he sometimes tries to include me in events like his Birthday, his parent's anniversary, or just summer trips down to the valley (that's what we call it) and he was going to San Antonio for a Christmas party, saw that he could swing by Houston and pick me up and take me with him, and invited me. I was thinking at first I was going to because his father is... not doing so well, and his brother died recently from alcohol and drug abuse. However, my mom, and grandmother had told me to be careful because he is notorious for being homophobic. (it seems like the most homophobic parents in my family are the ones who have Gay sons and Lesbian daughters) Considering this, I thought that if he were to find out, it would be better to tell him over the phone while I am comfortable at home and safe, versus me in San Antonio where he is my only way back to Houston, especially seeing as he was getting suspicious about my sexuality, and I wasn't going to lie to him about it, cause that would delay the inevitable. I told him over the phone, he didn't seem to happy... he said "It's wrong" "It's un-natural" and "I wish I were there to raise ya, son" but he tried to keep it calm, and for a minute I thought I might actually go with him to San Antonio... However, the next day he got drunk, and E-mailed my mom at 1AM asking her "Why is Nick calling himself a queer?" where my mom replied with a long email, the real stinging point being "You have ignored him for sixteen years, another week won't kill anything". This, I expected because he was still adjusting, and thought "He will get over it"... until he replied saying "Fuck you Slut"
Now, this made me really angry, like, I canceled my plans to go to San Antonio over it angry. He Pushed and pushed till he went over the edge... I haven't talked to him since, but now that the insanity of the holiday season are over, I think about what he said... UGH... I want to call him and just... YELL at him for 30 min. not because I want to get revenge for what he called mom, or what I am, but because he drinks, and he drives drunk, and I worry for him, honestly. As much as I have this feeling of anger... for what he said... and for about 16 years of hearing almost nothing from him... despite the reasons why I may just want to punch his face in... He is still my father... and you only really get one father... I don't want to see him die... not yet... not like his brother Wayne... or my uncle Mike (other side of family).. and some of what he said still rings in my head... especially the one where he wishes he were there for me... It really bugs me... it anger- no, Infuriates me that he said that...
I don't know what to do here... What do you guys think? Should I just ignore him? Should I call him and try to be civil about it? is it wrong that I feel so angry about this? and is it weird that I still love him like a father?

marshmallow

 

Joined: 2011-05-25
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Hi and thanks for sharing whats going on with you.  To answer your questions - No, you are not wrong for any of your feelings toward your father.  An alcoholic parent is one of the hardest situations to deal with because they are unavailable, angry, manipulators, liers and typically act like children. 

You have a right to be angry.  You have a right to still luv him.  You have a right to feel like you need to take care of him and keep him from dieing from alcohol. 

My suggestion would be to stay away.  Train him how to treat you by only speaking to him when he approaches you and is acting friendly and like a reasonable adult.  If he approaches you as an angry, drunk child then tell him "I will not talk to you when you treat me like this - call back sober". 

It is important to understand that an alcoholic can not be forced to be sober and you will only drive yourself crazy trying to take on that task.  I've known a few alcoholics and the only way any of them have ever gotten sober is when an intervention has occurred and they choose of their own will (in the process of the intervention) to go into rehabilitation.  There is much literature out there that you can read for families of alcoholics and how their drinking effects you and the best way to handle it.  Interventions will be explained as well.

Best solution - stay away from his mess.  He probably doesn't even remember what he called your mom.  If can, perhaps, write him a letter expressing your feelings but don't call.  The letter will be a safe release of your feelings.  But, remember, you can't control how he will react.  Your goal is to free yourself of your feelings and just accept how he responds.  Just don't let him treat you in any way other than a kind and adult manner.

Anyway, thats my two cents.  Don't take his shit on - live your life and be happily gay!  Hope this helped somewhat.  :)


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