I'm a 20-years-old university student in Turkey. I am gay but nobody knows except for me. Everyday I have to play this straight boy game. And I'm really unhappy. When I'm with my friends and/or family, I seem to be happy; however, when I'm alone, the feeling of despair surrounds me. And I guess I really am desperate. Before asking for your advice, let me tell you my story.
At the age of 18, I actually came out to my mother suddenly. She felt so bad that she thought I needed medical help, and she suggested me visit her psychiatrist. Unfortunately, in a moment of studipidity, I said I joked; and added that I was not gay. Then, she burst into tears thanking God for this. I thought I solved the problem. Then I started playing straight which I've mentioned above. But to my surprise, what I've done by saying it was just a joke has made the whole situation more problematic.
Then I succeeded in the exams and enrolled in a university located in another city. I spent two and a half years in there and I have two and a half years to spend in that city. For the first two years, I lived in dorms. Now, I am living in a house that I share with a friend of mine, who, as one, who speaks to him about LGBT business, can easily assess, is a complete homophobic. Apart from that, he is one of the greatest people that I've ever met. And of course, he does not know the reality about me. I am always asked about possible girlfriends, I always hear homophobic jokes and the worst part is that I feel I have to smile at them.
Long story short, I've been struglling on this coming out issue. I do not know why I told my mum that I joked. Whenever I think of this, I wanna set myself to the fire, kill myself. And seeing how good my flatmate is, I feel guilty to lie to him on this important issue.
I heard an old acquaintance of mine has passed away, and it has been two months but it's like yesterday. Time flows very fast. And I know I will never come back to the world again. Thus I know should live my life the way I'd like to live. But as I've just implied, whenever I decide to come out of the closet 'again', I think about the people surrounding me, friends, relatives, family and give up this idea.