Hi, Im Merari, a 35 yr old man with an identity crisis.
I dont know who I am except that I am a mess.
I dont know how to define myself except by what I do not want to be. I dont want to be a fag but I dont feel Im a 'real man' either. I cant even grow a beard.
I try not to behave too feminine but in doing so I feel Im too consciously editing who I am.
Ive been gay all my life, I first realised when I was 12, but its not something I have ever been happy with. When I was young I wanted to belong and I didnt want to be different. Trying too much to hide who I was at that age led to me being lonely I suppose, as other people dont like fake people. When I was a little older I kept falling in love with guys I knew but I never dared to do anything with it and even when there were situations that could have led to something romantic I chose to shut off and run away, scare people away rather than let them near me. I suppose Ive always been afraid to let people near in case they hurt me.
Then when I was older, 19-22, I went to gay bars and slept around a lot. Now I dont live in a large town and eventually I got a reputation sort of like a used hanky and I suppose I decided not to go to gay bars anymore when I got tired of wiping spit off my back.
Now I just spend my days in my little world, job, food, sleep, my insular hobbies. And I dont /reach/ anymore. I dont try anymore. I think Im gonna be 85 and still alone and that makes me more sad than I dare to admit.
To other people Im all like: 'Relationship? Oh no no no, not for me!'
The point here is that Ive always been lonely, never wanted to be lonely, yet Ive resigned in living alone. I really dont want to go out and attract a man anymore. Im afraid I suppose.
I tell myself that it isnt easy for a man who likes other men, you can hardly go up to the first guy you like like a girl would, at least over here you cant, gotta be careful or youll get your lights punched out or worse. But I also tell myself Im just making excuses.
Thats my mess, I hope that sharing this will prove cathartic and that by sharing things Ive always kept to myself I can find some insight or peace. Given how easy it was to coast through the past ten years alone though, me and my fantasies, (I make a man out of pillows and blankets to sleep with ><.), how easy it has been just to give up and not even look for a mate anymore, I feel this inner dread.
The idea to never have someone to share my life with scares me.
I have two little brothers and they both share their lives with a nice girl, my baby brother just had a baby of his own.
And I go home to my appartment and make my dinner and sit in front of my internet with the tv on softly so I have human sounds in the background so as not to go totally mad, and I just go from day to day.
Im ok. But Im lonely.
Ive always been lonely, it has always been my biggest fear to be lonely and I dont know how to change. I dont know how to let people in.
Thats it guess.
Thoughts and comments welcome but please keep any bitchery to a minimum as Ive just beared my soul here.
Thank you for coming to our site and sharing! My heart aches for you but I do feel you have an avenue to escape your loneliness. You have a lot of life ahead of you and so you must make efforts to get out there and not be lonely.
I think maybe (not to judge) part of your struggle is that you are a little homophobic youself - which is not necessarily all that unusual. You have internalized all the negative gay bashing you have heard around you. I think the first step is for you to begin to accept yourself for who you are. So what if you are feminine? Celebrate who you are! Be proud and centered and people will gravitate toward you and want to share in your confidence and happiness.
It sounds like you live in a small minded area. You might need to think about a big change - like moving to a larger city where folks are more open minded and being gay is, well, almost cool
Also, there is some gray area between hitting the bars all the time and then staying home and accepting loneliness. Try to find a support center - or even just a gay political organization that is nearby that you can participate in.
Please do not accept loneliness. Learn to accept who you are - then go forth and celebrate!