I am in a long-distance relationship with a girl who had always been a very close friend to me. We're both closeted (I'm not even sure of my real orientation, so I'll put off the label for now) and no one else knows about us. She has admitted to love me, and more than once that she wanted this relationship as much as I do. In the past, she was the one admitting feelings, that is, when it wasn’t too likely to work because I was in love with someone else. She even suggested six years ago that we try hooking up to find out how it is to do it between girls.
Nevertheless I can’t shake off this crippling fear that she doesn’t really, but she’s not telling me out of fear/pity/not wanting to hurt me. She knows everything that is going on in my life in the most intimate details. She knows how stressed and lonely I’m feeling, how unhappy I am. She knows how I've been heart-broken after falling in love with a married woman (this never worked out; the woman in question doesn't know).
Every time I talk to her, I’m afraid she breaks out the news to me and tells me something in the lines of “I’m a jackass for having led you on, but I don’t love you and I don’t want this anymore. There, it’s out.”
I feel so lonely. I can't bother her by constantly asking her. I feel ashamed of my feelings because they make me what is commonly described as the manipulative partner in all those articles where they tell you how to break up with them.
After the last fiasco, I swore love off and decided to date with my brain. It worked with men, but not with this girl, which is why I feel so vulnerable to being hurt.
I really wish I knew how to shake off these fears and doubts. They're eating me alive.
Thank you in advance for your help.
I think your fearful of this relationship because she is jacking you around. My suggestion to you is to stay away from this woman. There are plenty of women out there who know who they are and ready to have an adult, easy and uncomplicated relationship - whether it is just for sex or casual, or whether it will develop into something more serious.