I have read a lot about fluid sexuality articles out there, and would want to say I can relate to that stuff 100%.
Now here is my deal. Ever since experiencing my first sexual feeling at 12, I´ve been always sexually and physically attracted to women. However I´ve never had a proper sexual relationship with one, and been handed the "are you gay?", question at several points in my life, since neither friends or relatives can ever vaguely remember me being together with a ladyfriend/girlfriend.
I´ve seriously struggled in dating and making women feel attracted to me; it´s as if couldn´t get out of the "friend zone" no matter how hard I´ve tried. At several points in time in my life I´ve too always felt kinda different from other guys. I´m not very much the stereotypical macho/hunter/alpha male that women seem to crave, no matter how politically incorrect it sounds. But very much the reality.
I´ve been always friendly and tolerant, but the thought itself of being in a sexual situation with another man would be a big no-no in my mind. Until the last few years. At around 28-29 I had my first experimental same-sex experience, quite suddenly. And to my confusion, I very much liked it and was cool with it.
I´m 36 now, and the amount of experiences have been more and more. Within this confusion of the last few years, I saw myself as bi, as I fell in (madly) in love twice with two amazing women. One of them I considered to be my twin-soul. But (sigh) it was never to be. And it left me absolutely shattered. Since then I´ve been on a few dates (with women) but with little gusto.
Last summer started the changes for full. Started giving up the straight dating scene, then acted on my cravings and for some reason went to the gay pride for the first time. To me it felt kinda shocking, with great sense of belonging. I´ve also started going to gay bars and saunas and actually enjoyed it massively. The saunas even more than the few times I´ve had sex with women.
As you can see this is very much confusing for me. I feel now as if either been gay and repressed it all these years and in a way "tried to be straight" just to fit in. I still in a way like women, but more for the beauty, the long legs, cute miniskirts and hips, but it now feels so shallow. And anything serious, like a long-term relationship or marriage with kids? Nope, it´s out of the question, as I´m also very much focused on my career goals.
In a way I´m trying to figure out if it´s either the gross failures in dating and trying to get romantically involved with women that have "pushed me" over the edge to look for same-sex love, or that maybe that those same women saw my "gayness", and reckoned me as someone off limits (as women are better body language/signal readers than us guys) before I even knew it myself. Fact of the matter is that I feel that my sexual orientation is changing..and changing beyond my wildest imagination.
Where it will take me? I don´t know it myself. But I would very much appriciate any input from anyone with same or similar experiences. Thanks for reading my story.
Hi and welcome. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply but I've been out of the country!
From reading through your story, it is my humble opinion that you are not exploring, and enjoying, gay sex because of your difficulties with dating women. Rather, it seems to me, that you were having difficulties dating women becuase of your natural attraction to men. The sense of belonging and excitement whenever you grow closer to the gay community says it all to me.
Relax, have fun, and do not worry about your label.