Hello all, I'm new to the community here. I came here because there doesn't seem to be anyone in my life I can really talk to about this issue, so I am reaching out to you! I have been outwardly bisexual for three years now. I've always had a very strong attraction to both sexes, but an even stronger emotional connection to women. However, I have only barely dated two women, and neither of the relationships were 'public'. I have a 5 year old from a relationship that I am no longer in, I was married to a man, and now am actually in a (semi) serious relationship with a man. The problem is, is that ever since I first kissed a woman, I always find myself wanting to be in a relationship with a female. At first, I kept brushing it to the side, thinking I was somehow trying to convince myself that that's what I wanted. I am still attracted to men, but I daydream, I literally dream, about women. Not all sexually, I think about how it would be to love a woman, and to share a life with a woman. I even have more crushes on women than on men. But for some reason, I never allow myself the experience. I do care about the man that I am with, but a part of me thinks that maybe I am actually gay. I don't know?! I watched Ellen D.'s coming out interview a while back and she talked about how she had relationships with men, and they weren't bad, she even enjoyed sex from them. But it wasn't about that. It was about the connection she made with women, and the way they made her feel. Ever since I saw that, I can't get it out of my head. The notion that maybe I can have feelings and attractions to men, and it's completely normal, even if I think I want to spend my life with a woman. All of this is very confusing, because I don't know the 'rules' or the way to go about things. Anyone else ever been here? Anyone have any advice? Please and thank you!!
First off - there are no "rules". We are all different and we all go through a period of discovery regarding our sexuality and each of us have a truly unique experience with it.
For me, I started off thinking I was bi and transitioned pretty quickly into realizing I was lesbian. I was living in San Francisco so it was a very easy environment to embrace my lesbianism.
I think you should definitely explore being with women - and be very open and honest with the man you are dating. In fact, it seems like at this point you shouldn't really be in a monogamous relationship with anyone - especially men - because it sounds, to me, like you really want to be with women. And I think once you make love with a woman - you're going to want to dive in. Just my impression from what I read.
Do not ignore these feelings because if you end up marrying a man you may really hurt him later on down the road. There is someone on this forum with a post who ignored his gay tendancies and is really paying for it now (not to mention his wife and kids).
So, don't try to label yourself - just go out and experience and do not commit to anyone just yet. Give yourself the freedom to be you. Seek out an lgbt community center near you and go talk about your feelings - and you will find others experiencing similar feelings.
Thanks so much for your reply! I know deep down that you're right. But for some reason, maybe it's just scary, but I'm finding it so hard to step away from my relationship. I know that it isn't going to be forever (even aside from my own deal here) because our lives are just too different. I think I'm attached to him because a) he's helped me be a better person and b) leaving means starting this huge new chapter in my life. I did talk to my mother about it, and she said she supports me no matter what. I'm just terrified! Change is scary and all that.
Change really is scarey. I was soooo scared before I moved to SF from Ohio. It ended up being the best thing I ever did. And since I've realized life is full of change and the better we handle change, the better we handle life. Focus on taking the first step and the rest will take care of itself.