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Looking for clarification
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 Posted: 2012-06-29 08:53 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Something our pastor said the other day regarding the situation I currently find myself in has been stuck in my head and I'm just looking for some outside opinions on this. He said that a lot of the problems I'm facing now stem from the fact that when I was young and dealing with the issue of my sexuality, I didn't have a "support structure" at home to help me deal with it properly. Now it's true that I didn't have the best of childhoods (dad was there but drunk most of the time and mom was a bit "out of touch" with reality, and still is truth be told), but what I can't figure out is his point behind saying that. Is he trying to say that I'm making all these feelings and desires and frustrations up? I mean, I don't see where someone, anyone would want to "pretend" to be something that can cause such an upheaval of emotions and....for lack of a better word...controversy. That just doesn't make any sense to me. What do you all think? :?



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And there's nothing wrong with me
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 Posted: 2012-07-02 05:08 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Ok so I had a chance to speak with our pastor again, and without just comin right out and asking what he meant, I was able to get him to explain it a bit more. Seems that he is saying that having a father who was basicly absent ( was there just drunk most of the time) and a mother who was/is out of touch with reality made it hard for me to express what I was feeling as a teenager and young adult. Not that this was what made me gay or that I'm just making everything up. :)



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-07-03 05:55 am
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marshmallow

 

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My understanding of the affect supportive families have on an individual coming to terms with their sexuality is that a person is more likely to come to terms with their sexuality sooner if they have parents who are encouraging and open and make them feel safe.

I highly suggest seeing an lgbt friendly therapist to help you sort out your feelings.  You can find one at any local lgbt support center.  You may need to go to the closest big city.

Sad to hear you are deciding to go back into the closet.  But - we all have to deal with situations the best we can.  Best of luck to you.

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 Posted: 2012-07-03 01:19 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Well.. I don't know about completely going back in the closet. I had something really strange happen last night. I'm part of the cast of the summer musical at our local art center and I have to confess there is a guy who is also a member of the cast who I find quite attractive. Now he nor anyone else involved in the musical knows of my recent revelation, but last night this guy, who I've come to be really good friends with over the course of the past couple of months, did a couple of things that at first I didn't think too much about, but as I've gone over it in my mind, it really has my curiosity up. First of all, he said something to the effect of "you and I haven't had our time together tonight" in front of quiet a few people. At first I thought he was jus goofing but the more I think of it I'm not as sure, especially in light of what happened next. In between scenes he came up to me and started giving me a shoulder and back rub. At first I didn't think nothing of that either, after all he has done this for several other cast members both male and female. So I thought he was just being friendly. But as I coupled that with what he said, and the fact that I've never had a guy give me a back rub, it makes me wonder if there isn't something more there. I'm feeling a little embarrassed about it for one because he is much younger than me ( by 15 years) and two I'm still with my wife. But other than that, it felt really good an natural. But maybe I'm reading too much into this.



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-07-03 05:22 pm
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marshmallow

 

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I think you observed correctly that this guy has an interest in you.  We have something in our community called "Gay Radar" and I think you are on his radar  :).  Even though people  think they're in the closet or "hiding" their gayness from the world - alot of times they aren't.  Those around us can tell - especially other gay and lesbian people.  He probably knows you are gay and he can pick up on your attraction.  When I came out to my parents way back when, my parents said "we thought so". 

I think that now that you have started to allow yourself to acknowledge what you feel toward men it may be hard to resist - especially when they come around and start flirting.  Stay open and honest to everyone so you don't get into an even bigger mess!

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 Posted: 2012-07-03 05:51 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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I do see a lot of my younger self (afraid someone might find out) in him. Plus, now that I look back at it, there have been other things he has said and done that have made me wonder. But, I don't want to jeopardize a good friendship either. Think I'm gonna play it cool though and let him keep making the moves, I indeed that is what he is doing. Thanks for the advice, yet again! ;)



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-07-04 04:21 am
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archubbycub
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We had rehearsal again tonight and as we were warming up I said something about my character killing his character. His response was, "well if you kill me there won't be any more shoulders," and he had this really coy grin on his face. Then, after I totally flubbed my monologue and solo an was thoroughly peeved at myself, he came up from out of nowhere and started giving me a very long neck shoulder and back massage, even down to my lower back. So I waited when he was done and the area finally cleared of other people and I took the opportunity to tell him he was the first guy to ever give me a back rub. His response was, "well then I guess I should be flattered." Finally, towards the end of rehearsals he first "flicked" a speck of lint off my shoulder (never done that with any of my guy friends and they've never done that for me). Then, another guy was goofing around pretending to be "coming on to him," and my friend looked directly at me and mouthed help me. So I joined in the fun, jerked the other guy off of him and said, "Get your hands off my man." my friend then proceeded to put his arms around me and say "That's right." then we all laughed. Granted that last part could have been just goofing around, but all the other stuff leads me to believe there something more than a friendship on his mind. I just don't want it to get too serious. Not yet anyway, cause I still have the wife and kids to think of. Good grief, reading back over this I sound like some teenage girl fawning over the high school quarterback! LOL



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-07-04 07:41 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Ok...confession time! I think I'm a bit smitten with this guy! I'm gonna call him Fred to protect his identity. He's the guy from the musical an I think I'm starting to have a crush on him in a big way. He's all I can think about now and I find myself longing for him to give me another back rub (and maybe something a bit more intimate). Heck when he was rubbing my lower back las night it was all I could do to keep from "pitching a tent" or turning around and assaulting him. I'm nervous about it though because 1 he's still in college and I know he'll be going back in a few weeks, 2 I still have the wife that won't let go of me, even though I've told her I'm not romantically attached to her anymore, an 3, apart from certain members of my family, our pastor, and one other close friend of mine, no one else knows that I'm gay! And I thought trying to pretend to be a straight man was rough! Sheesh!



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-07-04 07:43 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Well, I guess anyone who reads this forum and my posts knows I'm gay too...but you know what I mean. LOL



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-07-09 04:58 pm
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archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

Joined: 2012-06-15
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This weekend has been hell!! All the crap at home topped by work related problems and rehearsals for the musical! I'm just an emotional wreck. I'm at the point that I just want to go out and find a guy and get laid!



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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