LGBT Community Forum - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered & Drag Network > Lesbians > Issues > My Girlfriend vs. my 'family'
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My name is Imaan Evans, I am 17 years old and I know that I am in love with a girl, my girlfriend, her name is Angie, it has been 5 months dating. Angie just turned 21 years old in May.
According to the subject,there at the top, I love my girlfriend like no other and I know I am for sure that I am gay and not straight or even bi-sexual...
My family; my mom knows that I am dating Angie, but my dad doesn't and I don't know when to tell him. Before any of my fmaily coming in, my relationship has not been on the 'down-low' on facebook, and I had family as my friends... few days later my mom kept telling me to stop being so open on facebook. I don't in any way see facebook as an escape from real life, facebook to me is honestly...real life haha. So, from when my mom totally told me to just shut up on facebook, I couldn't, so I just bloacked all my fmaily memebers. I feel that my mom is embarrassed of me... not jsut my mom, I brought my girlfriend over to watch a soccer game on t.v, when she left, my grandmother was like "Is she lesbian?"
I just simply replied "yes, is that a problem?"
She said "Yes, it makes me look bad, i don't like it"
I told my grandmother I didn't care if it embarrassed her, because this is who I am and who I will always be, I am a person with feelings for the same sex and I feel like I am being shunned from my family.
When I was in my room watching a movie today, I overheard my family talking and they were like "gay marriage is like a disease"
I got so very upset, so angry I couldn't even explain how angry. I hated the way they thought, how most people think towards gay/bi/lesbian/transgeneder etc;
With my dad... I don't know when to tell him, he honestly makes me scared and I hate it.
My sister think I have changed majorly because of my girlfriend... my girlfriend has done nothing but, make me happy. If I changed.. it happened on its own.
On September 17,2011, I has a surgery; the gastric bypass. Till this day, I have lost 135 pounds total and more to go. I believe this is my only way of showing proof that I have changed because I have gained confidence in myself, I am more outgoing and want to be around people. I smile more and love to dance for once in my life. I Love to laugh and not feel depressed, lonely and suicidal...
My family is making me have these feelings to want to harm myself... But, I am strong to not do that, it's stupid if I did, but these feelings ache a lot... I don't know if there are others who are experienceing this , which I am sure there are thousands, but this sucks what we are going through.
Angie has been supporting me non-stop... she even helped me get into a college that I have dreamed of and will be attending there in the summer of 2013.
So I was wondering, from even typing this post,can anyone give me some advice...
I love to make new friends
|Well I'm not sure if you're still having the same problem with your family or not but I'll offer you some advice.
My advice is to completely remove yourself from your blood family. If they can't accept you then they're not worth it. Your sexuality is none of their concern especially not if you're already out on your own and you're no longer living with them. They are entitled to their own opinions however you do not have to deal with them. If they're harming you in any way they do not need to be in your life. Bloodlines, or at least to me, mean nothing if they can't treat you with respect. That goes for anyone that's acting like a close minded child.
|Miss Imaan - Thank you for posting. Sounds like you are going through a really positive time in your life - as far as improving yourself, feeling comfortable with who you are and feeling proud!
I went through a similar thing with my family when I came out over 20 years ago. My dad wouldn't touch me for two years. They did accept my girlfriend and was nice to her, but there was definitely "under the surface" issues of nonacceptance. When I first came out, I told them that I would stay closeted to family for 5 years to give them time to adapt. Unfortunately after the five years my father was still wanting to me to be in the closet (although my mother had started to tell family members). I told him I had waited long enough and was telling people and he would have to deal with it. I was able to do this because I did not live nearby. I think your willingness to block family members on facebook is a good will effort on your part and I would put a time limit on it.
Through the years it has gotten much better and my parents consider my now wife to be their child. We have to remember that our parents, friends and family members sometimes have to travel their own paths toward acceptance and we need to try and be patient.
That being said, I also agree with Kundai. If you are feeling scared of your father, and their treatment toward you is making you feel as if you want to hurt yourself, then you do need to consider distancing yourself from them for a while. However, you are very young and you will need a safe place to go. You definitely do not want to just be on the street. That is very unsafe as well.
Sounds like your family has developed their attitude toward the gay community from religion - and it can be difficult to change their minds as they are fearful that your gayness will somehow send them to hell - or as one of your family members indicated, they are fearful of what their community will think of them.
Do you have a family member such as an aunt, or friends who have understanding parents, who are willing to take you in for a while?
I know this seems drastic, but it doesn't have to be permanent. You just need to be in a safe place while your family is traveling their path toward acceptance. They still love you - they are just struggling with what their religious dogma has drilled into their brains and they will need to figure it all out.
Continue to be strong and proud of who you are. You have done alot for yourself. I applaud your success in losing all that weight. You must feel soooo good!
If you can't quite figure out a way to get out of the house - at the very least find an lgbt support center or group. They can be there for you.
You mentioned that you are going to school. Is that a school in which you can stay in a dorm? That would be absolutely perfect! And, most schools have an lgbt support center to help you in case it gets really scarey with family - especially your dad. I do not like hearing that you are afraid of him - and you need to take that seriously.
If you decide to take some distance from them you should write them a letter and let them know why (after you have left) Let them know that you are feeling scared, and need to be in a safe place where you are accepted. Let them know that you understand their struggle and you hope they will be able to question their religious beliefs enough to accept you - and be proud of you and love you. You can leave them some materials from PFLAG (parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
Keep posting - we're here for you!
|Wow. I. Am so sorry to have such a mean, hurtful family responding to your sexuality. It seems they have done more bad than good.
Anywho, as far as your girlfriend goes, see if there is anyway at all to move in with her if she has an apartment. Being with your family right now seems like the most unhealthy thing at the moment. Try and get some space to sort stuff out.
Next, try and tell your parents how much their comments hurt you, and that you really wish they could be more supportive of your decisions. That's their job. If not, tell them I wish them week in hell.
Finally, nice job for being confident in yourself! You sound like a strong girl who doesn't let much get bast her shield. Keep being like that, and you'll do great.
P.s I would love to be friends!!!