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archubbycub
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  Let me start by saying I am 35 years old and for a long time (since I was a late teen/young adult) I have had sort of an attraction to men, in particular larger men. Sort of a (secret) chubby chaser. 
  The reason I say secret, and the cause of a lot of turmoil in my life at this point, is because for almost 13 years now I have been married to a woman. And to complicate matters even more, we have two children.
  I have never acted upon this attraction, other than secretly fantasizing about other men and watching gay porn in absolute private. But it has been something that has "haunted me" (for lack of a better word) for a long time now. 
  When we married, I thought I was in love, and for a while things were good. But after the birth of our second child things started turning worse. 
  We started fighting almost constantly, and I will admit that I was not always the innocent one in it. It has come very close to one of us walking out on several occasions.
  I thought I was attracted to my wife, but as I look back on it now, I feel like sex between us has been a "have to" thing for a long time now. 
  I love my children. What kind of parent wouldn't? And I don't want to hurt them, but I can't help these thoughts and feelings I have inside. I'm coming to my wits end with this. How do I reconcile 13 years and two children with these thoughts and feelings without causing pain for everyone involved? :?

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Lots of people come out after marrying and having children. You're hardly alone.

Be honest with your wife and children. They deserve honesty and they deserve to know your authentic self, even if that means the end of your marriage. It sounds like the marriage ending would cause everyone to breathe a sigh of relief even though it will still be a hard adjustment. Having a gay parent doesn't equal a broken home or miserable kids. Having parents who aren't in love and/or fight all the time does.

http://colage.org/ and http://camptentrees.org/ are great resources for your kids if they're interested at any point, including when they're teens or adults.

archubbycub
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Thanks for the advice. I will definetly keep that in mind. I think I'm going to try and give the marriage on more shot. That way I it works out then great and if it doesn't ten nobody can say I didn't try. :)

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Sounds like you've already been trying for 13 years. I don't see it working out, to be blunt. Repressing yourself doesn't make for a happy marriage, and sets a terrible example for your kids. Surely you want better for them than that.

I very strongly advise therapy with someone who is LGBT-friendly, and connecting with more gay parents, especially those who were in straight marriages prior to coming out. There are loads out there. http://www.everyoneisgay.com/us/arkansas.html lists some resources for folks in Arkansas, although there are plenty of others to find that aren't listed there. PFLAG is a fantastic organisation.

Last edited on 2012-06-17 01:29 pm by

archubbycub
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You're right. We have been trying to work it out for a long time now. I've even mentioned marriage counseling several times but she refuses to go. She says she doesn't want to "air our dirty laundry." But still, I don't want to just up and leave. I'd rather bow out gracefully and try to remain friends, for the kids sake.

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If she won't go to a counsellor, go without her. Seriously.

Certainly, bow out gracefully and try to remain friends, but don't cling desperately to something that's not working. Again, think about the example you're setting for your kids; they're watching and taking it all in, even when it doesn't seem like it. It's not like you don't have the perfect out anyway; you know exactly what the issue is, and it's not that you or she is a horrible person. Just come out, say that repressing this part of yourself has contributed to the problems you've been having, and suggest that some time apart (from her, not from the kids - be clear about that with her and with them) might be the best thing for everyone.

archubbycub
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I think she suspects it already anyway. She has asked me several times over the past few years if I was and at first it would make me mad, but recently I have just been saying no and going on. But then I told her the other night during one of our many fights how I had a dream that I "came out" and everything went to hell. I tried to play it off as just a dream, but I can't stop thinking about that dream. I don't think the kids suspect though.

archubbycub
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Just an update. Been doing a lot of "soul searching" the past few days. Still haven't worked up the nerve to say anything again yet. Was up late last night really thinking this thing through. I want to get it out in the open both with my wife and kids, but still don't want anyone hurt. I hate feeling like this but I also hate living a lie. Anyone else have any suggestions? Not that what ftmichael said hasn't been a big help, would just like someone else's opinion too. :whatever:

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I agree with ftmichael.  You have tried a long time.  You NEED to be honest with your wife about your sexual orientation.  How you two work it out after that is up to you.  Maybe the two of you will agree to you trying out being with a man and gathering your thoughts on the situation.  Maybe she'll say "no way - this is over".  In any event - you can not control how she is going to react.  The only thing you can control is being true to yourself and stepping up to do the right thing. 

I'd hold off on telling the kids until you and your wife have it all figured out. 

However, if you feel like it is over between you and your wife - even without your being attracted to men - then you should just get up the guts to be honest and end it now.

Either way - you need to respect your wife enough to be completely honest with her.  You can not avoid hurting feelings - however, you can avoid disrespecting your wife.  Honor her by being honest.  This way, if you do end up divorcing you have a better chance of staying friends for life - much better for the kids.

 

archubbycub
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marshmallow wrote:
I agree with ftmichael.  You have tried a long time.  You NEED to be honest with your wife about your sexual orientation.  How you Atwo work it out after that is up to you.  Maybe the two of you will agree to you trying out being with a man and gathering your thoughts on the situation.  Maybe she'll say "no way - this is over".  In any event - you can not control how she is going to react.  The only thing you can control is being true to yourself and stepping up to do the right thing. 

I'd hold off on telling the kids until you and your wife have it all figured out. 

However, if you feel like it is over between you and your wife - even without your being attracted to men - then you should just get up the guts to be honest and end it now.

Either way - you need to respect your wife enough to be completely honest with her.  You can not avoid hurting feelings - however, you can avoid disrespecting your wife.  Honor her by being honest.  This way, if you do end up divorcing you have a better chance of staying friends for life - much better for the kids.
 


You're both right. I've been thinking all this over and I agree. It's time I stop lying, to everyone, including myself. I've asked her if we can talk when she gets home from work. I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous as hell, but I know this has to be done and I know it's the right thing to do. Thank you both for your advice. I sincerely appreciate it and will let you know how it goes.

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Very good decision.  It is tough but you are standing up and doing the right thing for sure.  She will thank you for it in the future.  I think you will fee quite a bit of relief - just try to be there for her in helping her understand you.

archubbycub
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Well that went over horribly! And now it's nothing but a huge mess. She made me call my parents and have them come over and it ended up me confessing to the kids and my mom and dad at the same time. Now my mom, Mrs. Super Baptist, is trying to "fix" me and the kids are devestated and my wife and I are at each others throats. I think she thinks she can change me and that my thoughts and feelings will go away! Why can't they see who I really am? :(

archubbycub
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This is fucking miserable. It almost makes me wish I hadn't said anything. I mean it felt good to finally admit it, but it was totally not the way I wanted to, especially with the kids and my parents. I feel like I was forced into that one. An she keeps making me feel bad by saying she diesn't know how she'll make it.

Last edited on 2012-06-20 02:37 am by archubbycub

archubbycub
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Things are somewhat better today. Still a lot of crying and emotions (which I know is to be expected) but at least we are talking without yelling and screaming. She wants me to speak with our pastor, which I am nervous as hell about, but the thing that gets me the most is she keeps throwing it in my face that we live in a small town and if word of this gets out people are going to make fun of the kids. I know she's hurt, and scared, and everything else, but I wish she would realize that it would be the same if not worse if I found another man and fooled around on her with him and we got caught. I'm sorry if I'm ranting but it helps to talk about all of this. Even if it is just through this media.

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I think you need to take control of the situation a little bit.  You do want to be understanding - but you have to make sure she understands that she needs to get beyond her anger a little bit in order to protect the kids.  She should not be blaming the kids because noone will know unless she starts spreading the word in anger.  She shouldn't have forced you to tell them and your parents until the time was appropriate - that was her mistake - not yours. 

I would talk to your parents and tell them this is a journey you have to take on your own terms and ask them to please keep it quiet - for the sake of the kids.  You also need to get this across to your wife. 

It is up to you when you come out.

Also, unless you really want to talk to your priest - do not do it!  Do not be forced into a situation where she is trying to change you.  You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with you!  She will, of course, be able to live a full and happy life. 

So, if possible, try to walk the line between supporting what she is going through - but also protecting yourself and your children.  Don't let her control this.

Remember - you do not need to be changed and you are just fine the way you are.  Her anger is because she is scared and does not want to loose you and be alone and you can acknowledge that to her - yet stay proud and firm in what you know about yourself to be true.  You were born gay (or bi) and there is nothing at all wrong with you. 

You did the right thing by being honest and she will eventually understand that.  In the meantime, she needs to protect the kids and watch what she does because of anger.

Keep posting!

archubbycub
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Now she's telling me she doesn't know how she'll live I I walk out and talking like she's going to do something crazy to herself. Then she's saying give it a year until our oldest graduates high school and we'll see where we go from there. But I'm afraid it's only going to get worse if I wait. She's throwing everything she's ever done for me in my face and it's where part of me is hurting for her, but the other part just wants to walk out right now.

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I think the longer you wait the worse it will be.  You will know what is the right thing to do if you pay attention to your gut and what it is saying to you.  If you know without a doubt that you are done, then it seems like you are prolonging the inevitable and you will both go through a terrible year - not to mention what it would do to the kids.

Stay strong and do what is in your heart.  Treat her with kindness - but do what is right for you - and in the end, for her.

archubbycub
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THIS IS KILLING ME!!!! Inside I know that I am attracted to men, even if I've never had in sort of physical relationship with another man. I have done everything I know to do to try and change this, to ignore it, to make it go away an nothing works. I have told her that I do love her but I'm not in love with her. I've told her that I can't even get aroused without thinking about another man. I've told her that I will still support her an the kids, but she keeps fighting me on all of this and saying she knows beyond anything that I am in love with her and have been from day one and she's not going to let me leave. She's even hinted that if I leave her she's going to kill herself. I can't have that on my conscience for the rest of my life!! I am going out of mind!!!

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No doubt she is experiencing the feelings she is describing.  My guess is that most people who make those claims do not follow through - unless, of course, they are already mentally challenged and are inclined to suicidal attempts just generally.  Not so sure if I worded that correctly but I think you know what I mean.  And - I'm not a therapist - so, only you know whether she is inclined to such things.  If you think she is - maybe getting someone to stay with her for a while will help.

Stay strong.  You are doing the right thing.  Maybe bringing her to a counsel to talk about her feelings would help her pull it together.  Not a marriage counseler where she will be tempted to turn the situation around on you - but a counseler that can help her deal with her feelings.

You can assure her that you do love her - and she is right about that.  But that it is a different kind of love. And that you are sorry it took you so long to identify your sexual orientation.  Assure her that your love for her is very deep - but not in a sexual way - and that you will always be in her life - just differently.

The feelings of sexual orientation will not go away.  As much as one tries to stuff them and ignore them, they will surface.

Maybe a trial separation would be easier for her to swallow?  You can move out, experiement, collect your feelings and thoughts.  She can take time to get use to the idea of you being in her life in a different way.

Stay calm and strong.

archubbycub
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The thing is, I think she would do something to harm herself. She is bi-polar and is on medication. And if she did do something I would feel so guilty for the rest of my life. Not to mention what I would do to the kids!

archubbycub
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I wish I had been brave enough to have come out before we got married. There was a friend I had before then that I had the hugest crush on. I nearly came out to him on more than one occasion. It may have ruined the friendship, but at least I would be out then and not going through this hell now!! It's getting to the point where I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and just continued suffering in silence!

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That is unfortunate.  I think you have to get someone to stay with her then.  And some counseling for her.  You have a tricky situation.  It probably will never be different.  If you waited a year, then it would be the same thing in a year. 

Does she have someone, parents, siblings, friends, who would watch over her?

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Be true to yourself.  She will pull out of this - it is very new and it will take some time but when this is all said and done, you will know that you did the right thing.  And for her as well because she will find a man who really wants to be with her and all ways. 

And you can be a very good friend to her.  Hang in there - you did the right thing. 

archubbycub
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That's just it. All of her family lives at least 3 hours away and because she is so shy, she doesn't have any friends she could turn to if
I leave. And I'm afraid if I leave she'll do something to harm herself! I feel so trapped! I guess I should have kept my mouth shut!

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You should not have kept quiet.  Ya know why?  Because if you continue to suppress your sexual identity, you will be the one committing suicide.  You have to be true to who you are.  You HAVE to - no matter what.  If she has no family or friends then she needs a therapist and you can go wtih her.  Just make sure the tables are not turned on you -- do not allow those sessions to be about you trying to not be gay.

You and she are going through the tough part right now - but it is necessary.  Do not feed into the drama.  Take control, be true to who you are and be her friend - hellp her - but only to the extent that you are not going against who you are.

I think you need some support out there as well.  Find an lgbt community center and go to some of their group sessions.  You are not the only gay person who has experienced this situation. 

Perhaps find a gay therapist who will help the two of you adjust to your newly forming relationship.  You can stay in your wife's life forever - it just will be on more of a close friend level - which is not a bad thing.

archubbycub
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I don't think I could get to the point of hurting myself. I'm too chicken for that. But it has gotten where I just "don't care" if I live or die, even before I said anything. Hell even before I came to grips with it all myself! I have type two diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and I'm on Wellbutrin an Prozac now! But there are times I think, I'll just stop taking my meds and let my body do the rest. I'm not sleeping at night, I can't concentrate at work, I don't want to go home. The one outlet I've found in all of this is performing in the summer musical at the local community art center. For those brief few hours, I don't have to be myself! I don't have the worry and the stress. And the only bad part about it is, she keeps asking if I'm sleeping with one of the other guys in the musical or with the director!! I'm afraid if she keeps at it she's going to drive me to do it, and then it's going to be an even bigger mess!

archubbycub
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This is fucking nuts!! She thinks things are getting better but honestly they aren't. First, I spoke to our pastor, mainly to get her off my back. He was very understanding, and even told me I'd done the right thing by coming forward, but I know he thinks this can be resolved and our marriage can be saved. But the only way I see that happening is for me to repress my feelings an desires again and go on lying to her while I'm thinking about another man! Second, and this was probably my biggest mistake, we fooled around last night, and the whole time she kept asking me things like, "What are you thinkin about? Are you thinking abou me?" I didn't have the heart to tell her I was thinking about a guy from work. I know I shouldn't have put myself in that situation, should have told her I wasn't ready or something, but I was so damn horny from being aroun that guy all day it was driving me nuts! But now I feel cheap and dirty for lying to her and using her like that! She's even asked me a couple of times now if I feel guilty or if it grossed me out or anything and each time I've lied and said no I'm fine just so it doesn't hurt her feelings! I feel like a prisoner in my own fucking home!

archubbycub
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I'm venting again!! Sorry!

archubbycub
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And now her parents are coming next weekend! Boy that ought to be a fun filled weekend!! She says they are coming for her birthday which they very well may be, but I am not looking forward to playing like nothing happened last week in front of them and certainly not wanting to say anything to them!!

archubbycub
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Well...after finally getting a good nights sleep..thanks to Ambien...I have made up my mind that I am definetly leaving my wife. I don't know when yet haven't even said anything to her, but I think she suspects, but as soon as I can get everything in order, I'm calling it quits to the lies. All of them!!

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Just be sure to do it in a way that she has support around.  Maybe when her parents are there? 

In time this will get better for both of you.

archubbycub
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So the in laws are here now and so far so good. Nothing has been said about my "announcement" the other day, but I can tell there is a bit of tension here. They're talking more to the kids and my wife. But that's okay, cause they aren't pumping me for answers.

archubbycub
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Ok just giving a quick update. The weekend with the in-laws went smoother than expected. I still think my father-in-law is hacked off, mostly due to the fact that he barely spoke while I was around, but that's ok because at least he wasn't pumping me for answers. The kids went home with the in-laws yesterday, giving me and the wife some time alone this week. I've decided I'm going to "lay low" for awhile, at least until the kids are both old enough to take care of themselves (youngest will turn 11 next month). That way she can't hold them over me when I decide that I'm leaving. And even then
I'm not going to make my leaving her a matter of my sexuality. In fact I don't even intend to bring that up unless she does. But until then I'm going to slip back into the closet, at least as far as everyone else is concerned. As for myself, I know who I am inside and I'm comfortable with that. It may soun harsh, and I know it's not going to be easy, but with the way she uses the kids and my emotions against me, I really don't see any other way. Plus it will give me plenty of time to set things into motion as far as finances and a place to live and everything else goes.

archubbycub
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Ok I need to rant again! If I have another day like I had yesterday afternoon, my timetable for leaving may get moved way up! I came in from work yesterday and I swear if I left her side for more than 2 minutes she went to weeping and wailing and talking about how I didn't love her and she was going to lose me! I wanted to tell her so bad that she was absolutely right and that I'm just staying for the kids! This is just another example of how manipulative and controlling she really is! If it wasn't for te kids I'd pack my things and leave today! :x

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In a way I can't blame her for crying.  She knows it is over.  You know it is over.  How is it good for your kids to watch this?  And to learn to be ok with an average marriage? 

In all honesty, if you don't leave now, I think you will end up experimenting with men while still married and you'll end up hurting them as well. 

You should make the decision you know you have to make and not use the kids as an excuse.  Stand up and take care of this situation that you created.  Be strong and make a decisive decision.

 

archubbycub
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I know I need to get out. And honestly, I want out! It's draining me, physically and emotionally. The problem is, I don't know how to get out. Lawyers are so expensive and besides she told me at the start of this that if I tried to leave her she wouldn't sign the papers! I don't know what to do!

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I can not tell you exactly how to go about it.  If it were me, I'd get to an lgbt support center and start connecting with people.  Find a lawyer who will protect your rights and do a good job for you through a divorce.  A lawyer who is gay friendly will know how to protect you when it comes to child visitation rights, etc.

I have no idea what the implications of your wife "not signing the papers" is - but you shouldn't let that stop you. 

I really do think your first step should be to get to an lgbt support center in your area - or nearest big city and gather resources to find a lawyer.  You should be able to find one that will work with you regarding money.  You might even find some friends who are going through a similar situation.

You've taken the first step and you should probably stay honest and keep moving forward.


Maybe you can find one here:  http://www.gaylawnet.com/

Last edited on 2012-07-06 03:38 am by marshmallow

archubbycub
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Thanks. I'll check that link out. Trying to find a center nearby but that isn't panning out.

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PFLAG of Northwest AR: http://www.facebook.com/pflagnwa

PFLAG Russellville: http://www.facebook.com/groups/276484182659/

PFLAG Little Rock: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=224&chid=397&tab=6

Lambda Legal: http://www.lambdalegal.org/

Gay resources in AR: http://everyoneisgay.com/us/arkansas.html

AR Gay History: http://arkansasgayhistory.blogspot.com/?zx=210cc8820399613c

NWA Centre for Equality: http://www.nwaglbtcc.org/

archubbycub
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The problem is, all of those are in central to northern Arkansas and I live in southern part of the state! I think I called it "homophobe Capitol of the world" at one point! The closest one as far as I can tell is about two hours away.

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Not sure if you're near any state lines, but:

PFLAG Shreveport, LA: http://pflagshreveport.wordpress.com/

PFLAG Tyler, TX: http://community.pflag.org/tylereasttexas

PFLAG Jackson, MS: http://www.pflagms.org/

Also, just contact the organisations even if they're not in your area and ask if they know of anyone closer to you. Leave your contact info and ask them to pass it along to anyone else who calls looking to make connections in your area. That's how networking and support happen.

archubbycub
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Thanks I'll check them out and see what I can find out. Just keep sending positive energy my way! Feeling a bit down today for some reason. :(

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Two hour drive might be worth it!  I use to drive 2 hours just to get to work....  ;)

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Not saying it wouldn' be worth it but I can tell you for a fact that if I tell her i'm going to see a gay friendly councilor in Little Rock, the s**t will hit the proverbial fan! Trust me on that one!

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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OMG!! I found out yesterday evening that she went to our family doctor and told him about me "thinking I'm gay" (her words not mine)!! She said tha she didn't go into great detail about everything that has gone on since I told her, and that the doctor said he wouldn't even mention it to me unless I brought it up, but I'm still hurt and upset that she did this! I feel like it is my place to decide who knows and who doesn't, and yet she is the one who has told the majority of the people who know. For score keeping purposes, I've told her, both the kids, my parents, and one close friend who I trust completely. She has told our pastor and his wife, her sister, her supervisor at work who in turn told her boss who then told one other person, her parents, and now our doctor! I understand she's hurting and she's depressed, and that I'm the cause of her hurt and depression, but what I don't understand is the fact that the person who DIDN'T wont this leaked all over the countryside is out flapping her gums about it! Talk about being a hypocrite!!! It almost makes me want to just go completely public with it and then just deal with the fall out!! That way she can't be in control of it anymore!

marshmallow

 

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I hate to say this - but - don't tell her you are going to the therapist.  It is your business - you need to go in order to help yourself through this - and in the end, it will help your wife and your children.

marshmallow

 

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Wow - she really isn't thinking of the kids at all.  It seems to me that she has told so many people that probably almost everyone knows now.  I mean - in a small conservative town finding out someone's husband is gay/bisexual is pretty juicy gossip for the bored mind.

I think you need to set her down and be frank with her.  Tell her she is the one who is not acting in a way that is best for the kids and she needs to get a hold of herself. 

What you said about coming out to everyone yourself is has some merit.  Just short of that (since you shouldn't really come out until you are ready), you can tell her that if she tells one more person then you WILL take control and come out to everybody. 

At some point you do have to take control.  And please go to that therapist you said you found.

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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I haven't found a therapist yet (still looking) but I had already decided that if she tells one more person about this I was going to tell her the next time she tells someone I'm going to tell everyone! I'll threaten with posting on Facebook and telling our friends personally. I think I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to shut down completely towards her. Anytime she says anything to me at all I just want to tell her to shut the f**k up. I've even muttered it under my breath when I'm sure she can't hear me. I have a bad feeling that when it all hits the fan it's going to be quite ugly.

marshmallow

 

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Might be better for you, her and your kids to not wait until it gets so explosive.  Tackle it now - be proactive and do it the right way. 

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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I know, and honestly, I want out of the marriage, not simply so I can be free to explore this part of me that I've never been able to, but mainly so no one gets hurt any more. I know her whole world has been ripped out from under her, but her forcing me to stay and pretend I still have marital feelings toward her is ripping me apart inside. I don't like lying, never have.

marshmallow

 

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She can't "force" you to do anything.    Plan it out so she has support at the house after you leave and just do it.  Get a lawyer who will help you with being able to have visitation rights, etc.  You need a gay friendly lawyer and therapist to help you and you need to do this in a way that is kind to your family.  Don't let negative feelings build up until it is an uglier mess than it has to be.  Take the lead, be kind to your wife, your kinds and yourself.  You can't help how you were born and what you need to do right now but you can help how it is done.

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Yes I know she can only do to me what I allow. But right now I am financially not able to get a place of my own and have no one that I could stay with until I could get a place. My parents are siding with her and I don't want to drag anyone else into this nightmare in case it turns ugly!

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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You know, I've been thinking since that last post and I know I complain a lot about my situation, but honestly, I have never been happier with myself than I have since I came out. I feel better about myself. Before now, I would feel so guilty when I would look at another guy and or fantasize about him. Now it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I wouldn't care if the whole world knew I was gay (obviously I've been posting it on here, LOL). It's everyone else who has a problem with who I am. :)

marshmallow

 

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You are finally getting a taste of what it feels like to honor who you are.  The freedom is wonderful and it will only get better and better.  ;)

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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I am, and my new "friend" is really helping me. He keeps reminding me that even though I'm going through some tough times right now, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train about to run me over either. I know I need to wait until I'm officially separated and divorced from my wife, but there are times when I just want to run away with him and never look back!

archubbycub
Just a fun loving cuddly chub
 

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Update on my crazy messed up life. The wife and I are in the talks of divorcing. Of course it's not a very good atmosphere around the house right now. In fact, the other night I left and went to a friends house. He knows the situation and suspected all along that I'm gay. He is too and it was nice to be able to set and talk to him and his partner about all of this and not be judged or made to feel guilty about it all. They even took me out for supper and let me sleep in their spare bedroom. I got the best night sleep I'd had in ages.

The kids are taking it pretty hard, which is to be expected. But I keep trying to reassure them that no matter what I will always be here for them. I think my oldest, even though he's angry, is starting to see some of the tricks she's using, but it's my youngest I'm worried about. Not only is he being influenced by her, but my mom is feeding him all kinds of crap too. I guess only time will tell what happens there.


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