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macedonianlezbian

 

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Well, I somehow knew I was lesbian at the age of 8. There was one girl who was my friend but I kinda liked her. And, one night on the news there was topic schould gay marriages be legal or not. Some politicans were for it, some against it. Anyway, my parents and I were watching and they said really nasty things. I didn't get it sereous because I didn't know what I am. But at the age of 12 when I got my period I realized that I'm lezbian and these things they said really hurt me. I was going to maths and physiks matches wining places but after that I got nothing. I started thinking my life isn't worth living but trhe celebrities who outed themselves kept me alive (I didn't commit suicide). But I fail everytime I try. My grades aren't good, my friends are homophobic(except one who knows about me but she is in another country now). I don't know what schould I do to get back to myself. I go out with my friends in high heels (which I hate them) and I love converse, but couldn't wear them because I don't have strong character to say "This is me. If you like it alright if you don't I don't mind" because I mind what people say...

Sorry for my bad english.

marshmallow

 

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You are certainly not alone in your struggle to come to grips with identifying your sexuality and individuality and feeling proud.  Especially in school where friends can be difficult and unaccepting.

One thing you will realize in life is that people are all so different that there is no way to keep them all happy so you might as well make it easier on yourself and live for yourself - make yourself happy.  Another benefit of living for yourself is that you will meet others like yourself, who you can relate to, and live a happy and fulfilling life.

My suggestion would be to join an lgbt support group - either at your school or in your community.  Get your support there - and come out when your damn good and ready!  As far as wearing heels to fit in - don't even go there.  Be yourself and happiness will follow.  You may loose some friends - but were they really friends?  And, if you do loose those friends, that leaves an opening for new friends who relate to you and you will form a tighter bond.

Remember - it is their character flaw - not yours!  And remember - you can not live your life for others - because you will only be happy if you live true to your soul.  Living your life for other's acceptance will only cause unhappiness and an empty feeling inside.  We all experience unacceptance from others - just a part of life.  Go for it girl - be yourself!  Read through some of these posts and you will see others who have had a similar experience and how free they felt once they finally threw caution to the wind and lived life for themselves!

Keep us posted!

 

macedonianlezbian

 

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That is the problem. Here in Macedonia there isnt lgbt support group at all. We are all alone. I can't meet open minded people I don't know why but I'm really reserved person and if I do what I want I will end up alone. It is not easy things when you live in a small city (In my city there are 15 000 people, really small town).

marshmallow

 

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It does sound difficult and I feel for you.  Feeling alone with a secret - especially one that is so crucial to the very essence of who you are - is exhausting and lonely.  However, we still come back to the fact that if you do not let people know who you really are, you have no chance of true happiness.  It will also be harder to find others like yourself.  I do understand though - here in the United States I even feel a huge difference between living in the midwest compared to San Francisco.  Even the lgbt community here in the midwest is more hidden and scared to be themselves. 

We all have to make our own decisions regarding coming out.  For me, I'd prefer to be out and live my life true to myself and only have a few friends rather than hide who I am and have a community of empty friendships.  You may be surprised how people will come to terms with who you are and once they get over the shock of finding out your lesbian will come around to understanding that you are the same person they have always loved. 

Are you living in a situation where you are at risk of physical danger/attack if you were to come out?  Is there a larger city that you would be able to get to where you might find a support group?  Would it be possible for you to start an lgbt support group?  I'm not certain of your exact situation.  But, please keep in mind throughout this process that there is always an answer and way out - you will find happiness and contentment.  You just need to figure out the puzzle.

Please keep posting..... 

macedonianlezbian

 

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Well.. I'm second grade at high school. Girls and boys here want to kick homosexuals and I am afraid to come out to everyone because they won't be my friends. Because I have low self esteem my grades are bad and I don't achieve anything on competitions (I went on maths and physics and early I got awards, now I have nothing. I don't know if I will go on college (because of the grades). If I go to the college I will go in Skopje (the capital of Macedonija, 400 000 citizens) and I think that there are gay places but there isn't lgbt communiti, we don't even have online forum where we can discuss our struggles and maybe meet somebody online (I think its easier).

On one other forum, in topic for homosexuals I was arguing with homophobes, and there was a girl arguing too. I got her facebook (she is from Skopje, older than me but I want to meet her one day) and we chat (really nice person) and I suggested to her we to make gay forum in Macedonia (I will post what happend to this idea) but I still feel empty, I can't do anything, my parents care only about the grades and nothing else, this emptiness is horrible, fake friends, fake smiles..

marshmallow

 

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I'm sorry to hear your parents are not being more supportive - they apparently have not yet evolved into an understanding that being gay is a matter of dna that a person is born with.  On the flip side - I'm glad you've made a friend on line.  That is so important - nuture that friendship as much as you can.  You are on a good path looking at line for more and more support. 

Please just remember that everything in life is temporary - including your present situation.  If it is at all possible I think that you should try to put all your focus on your grades and studying and try not to focus on the pressure to fit in at school right now.  Achieving high grades right now will really affect your future in the most positive way.  I realize I sound like your parents right now, but this is so important - not only for your future but for taking your power back from bullies/unaccepting friends.  Do not let bullies/unaccepting friends have that much control over you that they affect your grades and your path toward success in your future. 

You must take your power back from the bullies/unaccepting friends.  Even if it is just reasoning in your mind that you know who you are, that you love yourself and you will be able to express it soon.  Excel above all of them in your grades - totally focus on preparing yourself for success in the future.  Look at it like a game of chess.  In chess, one doesn't just make the best move - they plan ahead five or six moves to eventually win the game.  You can look at them and know that some day - you will have won the game because you will excel in a career due to your grades - and - you will be able to live your life as you see fit - have a meaningful relationship with another woman and even have children together and a very happy family life. 

Believe me - it changes when you get older and you have the freedom to move to where the lgbt community is accepted.  Time passes and so will your situation.

I do not want to suggest to you to come out if you feel you may be physically injured - or that the teasing and ridicule would be too much to handle. 

Please just keep in mind that your life will not always be this way.  It gets better.  Have self confidence in yourself and who you are.  Even if, right now, you do not come out and you choose to "play the game" of acceptance, you can have a feeling of power inside of yourself knowing that you are "playing" the bullies/unaccepting friends and that eventually you will have gotten through school with great grades, on a positive path toward success in the future and, eventually, you will be able to come out, live life as you see fit and be accepted. 

As life goes on you will see this is a valuable tool in life generally.  Sometimes you have to fake someone out while at the same time you realize that you are "playing" them to achieve an end goal that benefits you.

Hopefully this makes sense - please, please, please understand that it will get better!  If you havent' already, please watch the videos in the support section.  There is a post that has maybe fifty videos from celebrities and other people who have lived through what you are living through right now and have been very successful in life.

macedonianlezbian

 

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Thank you for your advices. I don't have bullies, people are nice to me but only because I am in the closet - I can't predict their reaction if I come out. I will try to concentrate on school. I started to loose my concentration while I read I don't know why but I remember things much slower (sorry for bad english I can't explain this). I think it is from the pressure I feel it under these circumstances and I don't know what to do about it.

marshmallow

 

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Emotional pressure can cause alot of problems.  This is why it is so important for you to try to come to an understanding that these problems of feeling different will all change once you get out of high school (and become old enough where you are able to move to a more liberal community).  Once you truly believe that it will get better you should feel the pressure decrease a little. 

You might also try - a little bit at a time - being yourself a little.  Start with something small - wear the shoes you like rather than what everyone else is wearing.  This may relieve some of the pressure.  Sometimes it just takes friends a little while to get use to their friends being a little different than them.

Most of all it is so important for you to teach yourself how to relax was this and know that it will get better.  You will be able to establish friendships at some point with people who are more like yourself.  Maybe try to find qualities you like of the people around you right now and let that be good enough.  

I would normally say to just come out and be proud (like I did earlier) but I've since researched your area and I see that it may be better to take it slow.

You must create peace inside of yourself by knowing that there will be relief and for now it would help to make due with who you know.  But, still search for others who may seem more like you.  Look for the signs - they may also seem a little depressed and tired of the fake smiles.  Try to bond with them.   

You probably have already surfed the net and found what I found below, but in case, here ya go ....

http://www.egal.org.mk/default.aspx?pArtID=6   found this site through the macedonia lgbt facebook site.  can't read it so I'm not sure what it is about.

http://okno.mk/node/11596  - I was looking around the internet and came across a Walk With Pride Project which photographs some underground gay pride movements.  This link is a demonstration that happened in Macedonia.  I could not read the page but maybe it will be interesting to you and you can find some like minded people through the article.

http://walkwithpridenow.com/ - walk with pride project

I've also emailed the Human Rights Campaign here in the US and have asked them if they know of any underground support groups that you can get involved with.

Remember IT WILL GET BETTER!  Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug and relax with this a little.  Once the pressure starts to diminish it should be easier to focus on school work.  If it is still hard maybe you should ask for a tutor to help you.

Keep posting !

macedonianlezbian

 

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The first link is about lgbt, free tests of hiv etc.
The second link contains list of homophobes, ironically thanks them for putting Macedonia under Russia in accepting of LGBT people.
The pictures in the third link made me cry..

I read your advice and every time I feel crappy I will remember your words, thanks a lot.

And, thank you for the e-mail, post it when you have a reply.

With love, macedonianlezbian (you help me a lot)

marshmallow

 

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oh, gosh, sorry I gave you a link that made you cry.  Was that the Walk With Pride Project link? 

I am glad that  you feel a little better.  You seem like a strong woman - so harness your strength, stay focused and it will get better....  :)

macedonianlezbian

 

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Yes, but that is alright I haven't cried for 3 years I need to show my emotions thanks :)
Also I saw some videos from the project it gets better, and I feel better I haven't felt like this for years I actually forget how it feels :)

Post me back when you get that e-mail from Human Rights )

marshmallow

 

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The Human Rights Campaign got back to me and they do not deal in international.  They did give me the link to the International Gay and Lesbian Rights Commission and I haven't heard back from them yet.  I'll let you know if I hear anything. 

http://www.iglhrc.org/cgi-bin/iowa/home/index.html

Always remember - that even when you feel like there is noone there for you, that you always have yourself - and you can make yourself be as strong as you need to be and accomplish anything you want to.  You are in control of your own destiny.  Get educated, stay focused and you can conquer the world!

Last edited on 2012-01-13 02:03 am by marshmallow

macedonianlezbian

 

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Just one advice...
Tonight I am going to birthday party and I will wear clothes in my style. I hope I will meet people like me but I don't know how schould I act because people don't know me that way? (because I was dressing like others and so)

marshmallow

 

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Excellent!  I am happy you are making a first step.  Personally, I would downplay it - give it a "no big deal" attitude.  I would probably say something like "just felt like trying something new" and do not linger on the topic for too long.  For you it is actually a sorta big thing because it represents something even bigger (your sexuality) but your friends don't know that.  For all they know, you are merely just experimenting with fashion and trying out the more relaxed and comfortable look.  Which, by the way, is a very valid fashionable expression!  :) 

If they make negative comments do not get discouraged - just come up with a prepared joke line or something to cut the tension.  I don't know - something like "you know I'm looking good and your just jealous cause you didn't think of it!".  You know your friends so come up with something that they will laugh at and move along - just cut the tension and be done with it. Keep it mellow. If there are some celebrities (that your friends respect) who dress in a similar way, you can drop their names.

Do your thing girl!

Hope this helped!  Let us know how it goes! 

macedonianlezbian

 

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Well I was wearing things I like and eberything went better than expected because that girl knows that I'm lesbian and said I am glad you become yourself. Nobody said nothing, now the challenge is the next weekend because I will go out with my friends :)

marshmallow

 

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Very cool !:)

I'm happy for you.  Just go next weekend prepared with your responses and remember to keep it mellow!  Great Job!  Freedom feels good doesn't it?

macedonianlezbian

 

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Yep it does, i went out just one night being myself and I feel much better.

marshmallow

 

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Did you end up going out with your friends last weekend in clothing more to your liking?

macedonianlezbian

 

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Not exactly I didn't go out after that party so.. I will post here what will happen next.

macedonianlezbian

 

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Well I was talking with my friends about fashion and something and I said that for me ties and that stuff are cool but they started with "you are crazy nobody likes them except you heels are the best" and that kind of stuff and now I don't know what to do :(

marshmallow

 

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I think you have to be strong and stay with what works for you. You have to be yourself.  Until you are true to yourself you will never find true happiness and freedom.  Just break them in slowly.  Change one thing at a time and they will slowly get use to your new look.  If they are harsh and say something nasty or critical, have a comeback ready for them that will shut them up and move the conversation along to something else.  Try to make light of it.  You can not seek their approval before hand - just go for it a little bit at a time.  Be brave.  If you aren't yourself you will never meet others who are like you.  Remember - they are the ones with the character flaws if they condemn you.

macedonianlezbian

 

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I will try it but I can't promise anything I have big problems with my self - esteem, problems at home and I don't know what will I do next. I won't have Internet so I won't post here.

macedonianlezbian

 

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I came out to my mom - and she tought it's just a phase, I will talk to her later (because she works right now) to explain her everything.

marshmallow

 

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Congratulations!  That is such a positive move!  :)

Her initial response of thinking you are going through a phase is a typical one.  Remember you must be patient with her and let her travel her path of acceptance.  In the meantime remember to stay strong with who you are and proud of what you are!

Can't wait to hear more....  well done!

macedonianlezbian

 

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Well I will see a psyhologist (not to convert me, but I have some struggles such as panic disorder and I need to fix that) and I will post here what will happen next.

marshmallow

 

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Sounds like you are on the right path and I'm sure once your panic disorder is being managed everything will be much better. 

macedonianlezbian

 

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I'm on therapy and sometimes I have attacks but slowly it gets better and I hope it will stay that way. My mum doesn't mention my homosexuality which is a good thing for me, but I guess she needs more time to accept it because it's not acceptable in macedonian society and I think that she panicks about my futuree, because the society discriminates people like me (even the law against discrimination does not include sexual orientation, only nationalities and genders).

marshmallow

 

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I'm glad to hear your therapy is working for you.  What a relief that must be for you.  I think you should have faith in the future.  There is a wave of lgbt acceptance and it will only get better in the future.  Also, keep in mind, you don't have to stay where you are geographically.  Once you are old enough and feeling strong enough, you can always move to a place that is more liberal. 

Still trying to dress a little more to your own satisfaction?

marshmallow

 

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I'm glad to hear your therapy is working for you.  What a relief that must be for you.  I think you should have faith in the future.  There is a wave of lgbt acceptance and it will only get better in the future.  Also, keep in mind, you don't have to stay where you are geographically.  Once you are old enough and feeling strong enough, you can always move to a place that is more liberal. 

Still trying to dress a little more to your own satisfaction?

macedonianlezbian

 

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Yes, I even have new haircut and I told my mom I want to buy t-shirts from sport shops because I like them the most, other shirts are too girly for me and she agreed. I didn't think I could say it one day but it keeps getting better for me.

marshmallow

 

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I'm so glad that your feeling better and better and your mom is so supportive! :)

macedonianlezbian

 

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Well, I have another issue now. I read on the Internet about LGBTIQ community alot, and some people claim that their sexual orientation have changed, they thout they were lesbians/gay and then they fell in love with guys/girls. What if something similar happens to me? How will LGBT people in Macedonia accept me? I know some organisations for LGBT people in the main city but I am afraid to ask for help there, what if they judge me for my fears? What if they don't accept me and how wil I explain that "transition" to my mom? I am so confused right now, I don't even want any changes in my sexual orientation.

macedonianlezbian

 

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I have something else to add, the psyhologyst keeps asking me when did I decide to be gay and that she can cure me, it sucks.

marshmallow

 

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hmmmm, be very careful about what you read on the internet.  (present company excluded :)).  There are organizations out there who are against the lgbt community due to their religious beliefs and they put out all kinds of information to falsly indicate that being gay is a choice and can be changed.  This is propoganda.  You are born with DNA that places you in a spot on the sliding scale of straight to gay.  Some people are straight, some directly in the middle as bisexual and others fall on the gay end of the scale.

This can't be "changed".  You can be brainwashed perhaps but not authentically "changed."

Anybody who "changes" from being gay to straight was probably just bisexual and will "change" back to gay at some point. 

In any event, do not worry about the lgbt community not accepting you.  What you are going through is a typical experience for alot of gays, lesbians and bisexuals and you will all be discussing the same issues.

Don't worry about placing a label on yourself so much. Just relax with it and see what happens.  Get yourself to those lgbt community support groups - you'll be able to talk with others who have similar feelings, you'll be able to make friends, you'll find additional resources, etc.  If you have a way to get there, you can go to one that is not directly in your community so you do not have to worry about local reaction.

macedonianlezbian

 

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But things like that says even my psychologyst, she says that something made me gay and talking to her will make me straight...

marshmallow

 

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That is very much an untrue statement that your psychologist made and shows that she/he is the absolute wrong person for you to be talking to.  That notion is an outdated concept and has been proven to be obsolete and untrue.  Many years ago, the psychiatric community considered being gay a disease which could be cured.  However, they have come out strongly against that notion now. 

Being gay is in our DNA.  We are born with our sexual identity already built into our DNA structure.  It can not be changed through will power.  You need to get to a different psychologist - one that is gay friendly.  I realize you have challenges in that you may not have any control over who you go to right now.  If that is the case, the best you can do is ignore what your psychologist is saying about being gay.  Because he or she is absolutely 100% wrong.

Choice comes in only when you are deciding whether to be true to your nature or not.  It is never a good idea to go against what is natural for you - that is if you want to be happy.

Here is a great article from the HRC:  http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy 

I found an article discussing gay issues in your country and this psychologist's name came up as somone who is gay friendly and does not believe is trying to change gays (reparative therapy): 

The psychiatrist Dr. Alexandar Marcikic, who has a private practice in Skopje, says that some psychiatrists now tend to stop defining homosexuality as an illness or a psychological disorder. It is increasingly being considered as a “normal choice” in a person’s emotional and sexual connection with the object of love, he explains.

The article is at:  http://www.globalgayz.com/europe/macedonia/gay-macedonia/  (I may have directed you to this site before).    do I have the correct location for you?

 

macedonianlezbian

 

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Thanks for these informations, they are really usefull. I have gay friendly teacher but I'm afraid to ask her anything about homosexuality, what if she tells my dad or anyone in my town? She doesn't seem person like that, but I'm afraid, anxiety, that is crappy.

marshmallow

 

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how do you know she is gay friendly?  Is she gay herself?

macedonianlezbian

 

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No, she isn't gay (not in public, I don't know for sure if she is gay). But she has gay friend in USA, and she doesn't hate LGBT. Read this topic http://lgbtcommunityforum.com/view_topic.php?id=396&forum_id=91 to find out more about her.

marshmallow

 

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Oh, yes, she is your hero.  :)

I'm thinking that if you ended up in a conversation with her in which you discussed gay people, and she had encouraging words for you, then she aready has a sense that you are gay. 

I do not know her, but I'm thinking you are safe with her.  And she may be able to offer you some resources to help you on your journey.

macedonianlezbian

 

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Well, few days ago I saw her on the street and she liked my hairstyle, she said I look like myself, not someone else.I didn't talk to her about homosexuals, but I think that she knows something. But, I'm still too scared and confused to come out to her....

marshmallow

 

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It sure does seem like she is putting herself out there for you.  I have a feeling you will reach out to her as well soon.  She can be a powerful resource for you.

macedonianlezbian

 

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Last few weeks I haven't feel atraction to men or women, and I started questioning myself what is going on with me? Is that because of my therapyst? Am I still lesbian?

marshmallow

 

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You probably just have other things on your mind.  Have you switched to a gay friendly therapist?  If not, tell your current therapist who is pushing "change" that you want to talk about other things and stay off the sexuality topic.

You can't think out whether you are gay or not.  It is something built into your dna that you feel on an instinctual level.  Relax with it for now.

I can't emphasize enough that you need to stop talking to the therapist who is trying to "cure" you of lesbianism.  That is utter bullshit.

macedonianlezbian

 

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Nope, she talks just for me being a lesbian. And I don't know what to do. I'm on the start now, is this just a phase or not? Damn...

marshmallow

 

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In my opinion she isn't any good for you.  She is trying to "convert" you and that isn't healthy.  Please try to get your mom to allow you to see that therapist I mentioned in an earlier thread or just refuse to go.  You feel confused because just when you were succeeding in being yourself, your going to a therapist who is trying to brainwash you. 

I thought she was talking to you about some other issues as well.  If all she/he is trying to do is to convert you, then you need to stop going.  seriously  - she will mess your head up. 

macedonianlezbian

 

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I sent my english teacher message on facebook, I made the first step. Now I need to talk to her somewhere. But she told me I can talk to her about everything, which is good.

macedonianlezbian

 

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I talked with my teacher, she was really supportive and helpful, it's the best teacher in the world!
And, LGBT United Macedonia will make a Pride in Macedonia in 2013 year. This week couldn't be more nice!

marshmallow

 

Joined: 2011-05-25
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Posts: 217
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I am very happy that you are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.  :)


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