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I am so Confused
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 Posted: 2011-11-24 08:26 pm
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Zythian

 

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Okay, I should start off saying that I've secretly thought of myself as bisexual for the past two or three years. I wasn't sure why I thought this; I never really had a crush on women, but every so often I would have a short fantasy of myself with another woman when I was very tired, so it felt wrong to label myself as completely straight.

Recently, though, I really started thinking about my sexuality when I finally realized that I didn't find men very attractive. Sure, in classes I would see a good looking man and dub them as such, but I never really thought any further into the matter. Crushes I would have on men wouldn't really be that, for my desire was to only be thought of as their girlfriend. I didn't really want to kiss them, and I especially didn't want to go further. And, the few dates that I've had with males, weren't really romantic, but more of a friendly hangout, even when they were really supposed to be more than that.

When I walk down the hallway of my high school, I'll see a really cute girl, but I usually don't really want to do anything with them either. I seem to look at girls more when walking down the street then men, and I find more of them good looking than I find men, but I don't really think of myself getting in a relationship with any of them.

I have found one woman, a worker at the local deli shop, very, very attractive, and could not stop watching her while in the shop. Another girl, in my physics class, I seem to notice a lot as well. I notice the clothing she wears very often, something I don't usually do with anyone, and though I don't know her very well, I find myself always attempting to speak with her. I don't really know if I want to do anything with her (I cannot, for she is straight anyway), but when I sit down and try and contemplate my sexuality, she always gets into my thoughts somehow.

Finally, I have been finding myself trying to be more like a boy. Next week I am cutting my hair very short, in a boyish style, and I have taken two of my brother's sweatshirts and wear them often (they are my favorite two shirts). I work out a lot to try and build up muscle to hide my curves and I found myself staring at ACE bandages and girls' undershorts in the store the other day. I find myself always trying to out do the boys in my classes, walking confidently like a boy, I play-punch my guy-friends for fun, and I tell my friends to call me 'bro' or 'dude' instead of the feminine versions of these slang terms, but I still think of myself as a girl in my head.

I know that you don't need labels to survive, for it's my life and I should live it as I please, but I really need some help. Every time I sit down this all gets into my head, and I'm uncomfortable speaking with my straight friends about these issues. I don't /really/ know what a crush is, like I've said, and obviously trying to figure this out on my own is not working if I've had issues for the past few years.

I want to thank you all for reading this long book and taking the time to answer my questions. You have no idea what it means to me.

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 Posted: 2011-12-09 03:04 am
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marshmallow

 

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Sorry it has taken so long to respond.  I somehow missed this post.

In some ways you sound like myself when I was young, in that when my friends were interested in boys, I was only interested in my girlfriends.  I didn't know at the time that I was lesbian - just that I wanted to be with my girlfriends and didn't understand their fascination with boys.  Now that I look back, I was totally crushing on my friends and wanting them - but didn't know how to identify it.  I had a boyfriend but never wanted to do anything with him other than kiss.  I broke up with him but wasn't even sure why.

It is almost always hazy at first - and although it can be hard to accept - you almost just have to "go with the flow" and see where your attractions take you.

There are a lot of lesbians that try to "butch out" by bulking up and competing with men.  I went though that phase myself at one point. 

What is different than most lesbians, I think,  is that you are starting to think about ways to flatten your breasts.  You may be starting to have some transgender feelings.  I am not too experienced with that myself - but there are lots of posts in the transgender section with a bunch of links.  You can communicate with other transgendered people and compare notes regarding the feelings you are having.  There are many posts throughout this forum in which people talk about similar feelings - and you can reply to their posts or send them private messages for separate conversations.

The above paragraph being said, there are also lesbians who played around with ace bandanges and wearing dildos in everyday life and then decide it isn't for them. 

So, there is no black and white in life and you just need to be patient with yourself, experiment, talk to others and see where you land.

Keep us up to date! 

I'm glad to hear that you feel proud of yourself no matter what and please hold on to that thought throughout the process....  :)

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 Posted: 2011-12-18 02:56 am
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Zythian

 

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Yes, I do seem to feel that way. I have trouble listening to my friends when they talk or complain about their boyfriends or crushes because I don't think I've ever really felt that way about a guy. Then again, I don't really know if I crush on my girlfriends either (it wouldn't really surprise me if I did the way that I'm always flirting with them subconsciously, though).

For now, though, I've decided to just keep moving and get myself more out there and just meet more people overall. I'm not going to try to look for and get a partner of a specific gender at this time, but instead just keep myself open to anything and everything.

I don't really know if I'm trans or not... I've read about one female to male transgender man and followed his journey, but I don't know if that's for me or not. I don't really know if I want to be a boy and go all the way to remove my breasts on my own, but I also wouldn't really mind if my breasts had to be removed for health reasons. It could just be a phase, but you really don't know that until after the fact. Still, I'm young, I have time to figure this out.

I want to thank you for replying. This really has been the most helpful advice I've heard. I'm going to keep moving forward and just take everything one step at a time.

Thank you.:)

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 Posted: 2011-12-19 06:30 pm
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marshmallow

 

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Sounds like a sensible approach - and I'm sure one day a light bulb will go off and it will seem very clear to you.  Glad my advice was helpful - and please keep us posted -

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