My name is Brittani. I'm 17. I'm a lesbian. I have been for as long as I can remember, but I've always struggled with it, especially growing up in a conservative, Christian home. I've dated a few guys. I wasn't at all attracted to them. I tried telling my grandma, the most important person in my life, once when I was 13. She told me homosexuality was a disease that could be cured. I wanted to die right then and there. I tried killing myself a month later, but failed.
I'm in a better place now. I'm starting to slowly come out to people that I can trust. But, sometimes, I feel like there's no way the majority of my friends and family will accept me, and that I'll never find someone, I'll never feel that special connection with someone and will never be happy. I'm not sure how to meet or talk to people in the same situation as me, so that's why I joined.
I was hoping some of you could help me. Thanks (:
I can't say how happy I am that your attempt at suicide failed! What would the world do without you!!!!!!!
The emotions you are experiencing right now are quite normal given the atmosphere of your support (Christian family, etc). What you need to understand is that their believe that Homosexuality is a disease is based on religion and not facts. It is certainly their right to believe that for themselves and not be gay themselves, but they are wrong to tell you that you are anything other than healthy, beautiful and wonderful.
We are all loved by God. There is scientific evidence that proves that all people have a certain amount of gay and straight DNA. Some of us have more in one direction than the other. That is why some are straight, some of us our bi, and some of us are gay or lesbian. In any event, no matter how our DNA sorts out, we are all wonderful, beautiful people who are very much normal and very loved by God.
I can see why you are feeling allienated because of the conservative atmosphere that surrounds you. I think your best plan of attack is:
1 - know that you are a beautiful, normal, healthy person and thus respect and love yourself (sounds like you're getting this one under control)
2 - understand that those around you whom you love, who are not supporting you, are doing that because of their religious beliefs, not necessarily because they do not love you. They may come around in time. You can not allow them to affect how you feel about yourself - have strength and pride in yourself. LOVE YOURSELF and come to terms with the fact that you will now have to find other people to support you. Your grandma was your best support at one point, and perhaps still can be for other issues, but you will need to find other support to help you adjust to being gay.
3 - find support. Believe me when I tell you that there are soooo many gay and lesbian people all around you. You just need to step outside of your circle and find them. There will be an lgbt center somewhere near you. Do a google search for "lgbt community center" and the name of your town or a nearby big town and see what comes up. In this forum alone there are many people going through the same exact thing. Look through Introduce Yourself and Support. You can start private conversations by sending them a PM.
I realized I was gay when I was 24. I lived in the midwest and decided to move to San Francisco to come out. I have to say, it was really alot of fun! It took me about five years to get comfortable and then I came out to my parents, relatives and old high school friends. I love my life and my friends, have been married to the same women for 3 years (but we have been together as a couple for 25 or so - 00ps I forget).
I will be honest, though, and say that you will have better luck with getting around accepting people in bigger cities - or generally more liberal communities. You are young for that now, but that day will come and you can make a move to a place where your being gay really isn't an issue at all! In fact, in some towns, its pretty fasionable and cool!
Check out the It Gets Better videos post that is posted (I think under support). Lots of celebrities and everyday folks sharing their experiences.
I don't know exactly how your family is treating you. If it is a situation where they try to send you to some camp where they take away the gay, then it may be time to find somewhere else to stay for a while. A supporting family, etc. It doesn't sound like it has gotten to that though.
Sorry if I've rambled, and I hope this helps. Keep on talking and posting and find a support group near you. If you send me a pm which city you live in (or post if you are comfortable with that) I can try to search out something for you - or others can post.
Take care and welcome! Smile cause the lgbt community is a fun, supportive community. If there is a gay pride march near you, check it out....