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Just now coming to terms with probably being gay. Here is my story.
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 Posted: 2016-04-01 12:44 am
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zastin17

 

Joined: 2016-03-31
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Sorry for poor formatting
Please read fully. Please Don't hate for no good reason. And Sorry for the huge story.

So to start off i'm a 17 year old guy. When I was younger lets say between 1-8 years old, I was that one kid who would always hit/kick other kids for almost no reason. Almost Everyday I would get in trouble for something be it kicking someone or saying something mean. When I got older I was diagnosed with Asperger. I do have Asperger's but its an extremely high functioning form. Meaning it would almost be impossible to detect it in me unless a professional gave me a test. I was diagnosed with it at around 10 years old and this was hard for me to deal with.

A few years later I developed a pretty bad social anxiety, Scared to talk to people anywhere including phone calls, or even the uncertainty of talking to people even though it was not planned. I have developed into a extremely introverted person keeping almost all my thoughts feeling, emotions and expressions to my self. Over the years I have never really had any attraction to any person regardless of gender. I do however like to hang out with girls more than boys. Not for the reason of being attracted but just because I can socialize with them much easier than boys.

Since I was 10 I because obsessed with technology and computers, and use the internet as a library of information to learn things in this field. I learned how to solder build computers, repair electronics at the microscopic level. Mapping, 3d animation, you name it!! I do it all. The main reason for this obsession is not having any friends or much of any social life at all. When I was around 13, Like most of us, I discovered porn and masturbation. I saw pictures and videos and since it was sex it turned me on. But after a year or to it stopped turning me on altogether. This is when I discovered gay furry art and gay porn which still turns me on to the day. Anal play was also part of masturbation for me. I love it. I have recently longed for a boyfriend.

I have had suspicions that I might be BI Or gay for a few years but I would just feel guilty and shove these ideas or thoughts deep down and tuck it away in my brain. In the last few weeks I have been thinking allot and I really am not attracted sexually to women at all. I have never really had any crush on any girl at all ever. I have however had what I would call a crush on some guys but I would always disregard these feeling and ignore them. Until recently I have been suffering trying to process these feeling and longing for someone I could talk to and hold. I cry allot. At night I just lay in bed and think about having a guy in my bed and how lonely I am.

My family is christian and i'm atheist so i'm not going to tell any of my family anytime soon. my dads side of the family are hardcore Mormons and my moms side are ignorant baptists. I feel sooo trapped in my head. i'm completely dying inside not being able to do anything with these feelings. I even almost cried in school and a teacher asked what was wrong and I just said i'm dealing with stuff at home. We live a few miles from our main town so I don't go anywhere or can't anyways. I was recently caught smoking some marijuana and my parents don't trust me at all going to someones house or hanging out with anyone. The only place or people I could find to talk to was the internet and that's how I found this website. I live in Oregon near Portland so this particular area is not known for racism or religious gay bashing.

It seems that society and the modernworld has drilled ideas what "normal" is and its very difficult for me to accept myself. I'm scared to death! Just sometimes thinking about guys make me have a falling feeling in my chest because of how scary it is for me. I have read things on the internet of ignorant people saying the most horrible things. I originally posted questions on {yahoo answers------> LOL} And there was way to many ignorant religious people who would just start typing bible verses and saying i'm going to hell even though it was a simple question.

I am scared to death and don't know what to do. I feel trapped and have no one to talk to. I'm not eating anymore and i'm starting to fail at classes because i'm getting absorbed into my deep thoughts while working. I am so sad that society is the way it is and i'm afraid. When I was little it was drilled into my brain that marrying a wife and having kids was what I had to do. Even though I know what I was taught was wrong its soo hard to unwind all these embedded memories and things I have learned and rewire them into a correct functional way.

One of the things that also has stuck out at me while reviewing my personality was how feminine I am. I am not like other guys at all. I may not show it since i'm very introverted. But I cry very easily at things other people would not even think twice about. For example My dad got a skunk in a live trap and he asked if I wanted to shoot it because it was killing are egg laying chickens. I shot it and it died. The image of it ca-lapsing dead made me very upset and regretful. I actually cried alone for a while in shock at what I just did. I also want to make it clear that i'm not scared to be gay. I'm scared about how my family and how I will deal with other ignorant people throughout my life. That's hopefully the main short version of my life and i'm trying to get (FEEDBACK, SUGGESTIONS, AND HELP) and If anyone else is having or had a similar situation. I would love to here other peoples stories.

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