Last night was the longest most terrifying night I have ever had, I had been having thoughts that maybe I was gay or bi or something else ( this feeling, it's hard to put into words). I had been experimenting with anal play and my mind felt like it was breaking afterward. I had had thoughts that maybe I felt differently about my sexuality many years ago but it came to a head last night. I enjoy anal play (sorry if it sounds vulgar but I don't know how best to describe the situation, It feels good an I enjoy it but my mind never landed on the fact that I could be gay or bi or straight (maybe) with just a strange interest (again not sure) . Either way I figured I'd get a some back story in here as well to help explain the situation. I've never had a lot of friends, never had a girlfriend or boyfriend but I have had sex with women before. It was pleasurable and I liked it but women just never seemed interested in me albeit I was interested in them. I don't feel attracted to men but I think I would enjoy sex with a man but I think that's what sparked my mental meltdown. I was taking a shower and the feelings of horrible dred and terrifying uncertainty of what would happen if I outed my self was literally destroying me my whole body was shaking but my mental state was calm and collected I could think and act (somewhat) and it scared me to a point where I had to call a suicide hot line (In all honesty I had no intentions of suicide but I had no idea what these powerful feelings were and it scared me so badly I needed to talk with someone. After saying the words out loud "I think I may be gay" I felt 1000x better still very distraught but I was able to get control over my body and the awesome person (toby was his name) on the other end of the phone gave me some numbers for counselors and then I found sleep. The most important part of that conversation though was when he said at one point ( I don't know how he did it) basically asked a question about how I was feeling and all I had to say was "yes" he had hit my emotional status on the head which made me feel better because if he had even an inkling of what I was feeling that means someone else had to feel it too! and that there was an explanation somewhere that someone might know what was going on with my emotions. I felt like I had just gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and my gut was in knots. I woke up feeling much better but I needed to talk with someone so I went to these local counselors and was able to get my head screwed on right to start trying to understand what was going on. The reason I was freaking out was because even though the logical side of my brain was saying hey whats the big deal, it was as if my emotions were no longer under my control. My emotions kept making me think that if I came out to other people I would lose my family, friends (the few I had), and would end up on some list that the police have and they would show up with trying to "collect" me, I even got to the point where I wasn't sure if I would wake up in the morning. Now I know full well that all of that was just my emotional side basically throwing up maybe 10 years of repressed thoughts but it scared me so badly, I have never ever been so scared in all my life and I truly mean that. The counselor really got me thinking asking why I was so afraid and we got to the point where I was afraid I would lose my identity if I outed myself. all I have ever seen of the gay/bi/lesbian lifestyle of from tv or movies and I didn't want to be like a gay guy walking down the street in buttless chaps (funny now but scared me so badly). I didn't want people to look at me differently if I was gay I just wanted basically the response of "oh, really, ok", and that would be it, I could go back to my routine with the respect and status I have worked to hard to achieve. What my question is from all this is how can I tell if I'm gay bisexual or neither? I am attracted to women but again they seem to have little interest in me and if I'm gay why then am I not attracted to men? In all honesty I just need to know if other people have experienced this because that's all I've got to go on right now. I know this is a poor estimate of one's self worth or being and I think I am going to have to work on finding what makes me, me. but I just have to know if this is me be some kind of isolated case or if others may have the same feelings. My apologies if this thread is in the wrong place I just needed to get some input.
Only you know your sexual orientation. Enjoying anal play isn't at all related to sexual orientation, since it's a mutual pleasure spot for both men and women.
Remember that no matter what sexual orientation you are that you are a unique, beautiful person!
____________________ Life's a piece of s**t when you look at it! Life's a laugh and death's the joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you!
I appreciate the kind words and I know this is something I have to decide on my own and the worst part is there are no manuals, no list of guidelines that follows once one makes a decision like this, I know the answer (sorry to play self psychologist but it's all I can do right now to keep my mind working on the problem). I am jsut so fearful of the end decision because I have no idea whats going to happen after that. the rational side of my head knows that my family would probably be fine with it it's just that tiny percent of what if I lose it all ....HAHAHAAHHAAHAH Oh jesus thanks so much for the post, I literally just realized that even if I lost it all I still have myself and that's whats carried me so far. *god the tears are rolling, I can barely type right nwo* I've done so much on my own and figured things out for myself so far I forgot I could do it. Even if I lost it all I could could adjust to the fall and I know I would CLAW MY WAY OUT of what ever pit i got dumped into. I'm too angry to love and too mean to die so the best I can do is just go on. I feel so relieved right now I almost feel normal this has been such an insane weekend I need to sleep but thank you so much thank you if it weren't for the few compassionate people out there who still give a damn I might be in the loony bin right now. It feels good just to talk thank you thank you thank you my world is coming back together starting tomorrow.
Sorry to hear you are going through so much. Chris is right, only you know what your sexual orientation is. The best thing you can do for yourself is to just relax with it. If the opportunity arises, experiment with men. You say you are not attracted to men though so perhaps this is a non-issue. If you do turn out to be attracted to men and find that you are either gay or bi - that is OK. If fact - more than OK. You will find a friendly and vibrant gay community out there waiting for you. The world is changing and it isn't as hard to come out as it use to be.
Watch some of our videos (especially the video responses to teenage suicides) - they may help you feel better about yourself.
Remember - just relax with this - and keep tied into a support group so you have people to turn to if you feel anxiety. Sexuality is a small issue in life and one that is meant to be fun!
It feels like its been an eternity, so much happened in so little time. My mind was just going all over the place but I've been able to react and start feeling emotions. It's weird to say that but I just never thought feeling was something I could do and I think this pent up emotion is what cracked the wall I used to seal up a bunch of stuff. I had to tell myself that what I was feeling was ok and that it didn't matter what others think. I feel what I feel and I'm entitled to that as much as the next person and shouldn't feel bad about it. Everyday I'm feeling more and more comfortable with myself and that horrible knot in my stomach gets better everyday. At the beginning it felt as if these feelings would never subside but the most important thing I can tell anyone from this episode I experienced is to be patient. It's easy to say that now but emotions are way to powerful to just "run with" and you need to understand them before you act on them. Introspection helped me and literally asking questions out loud and having discussions with myself helped to clarify and rationalize what I was feeling. I feel what I feel and I can accept that, whatever that is, I just never thought it could bring me so close to the edge. Still not sure where I stand need to do some more searching but I feel comfortable with me and I think that's as good a place as any to start. Appreciate the words everyone I'm glad there are places like this, it helps to empty the emotional tank once in a while, and just knowing there is a slight possibility that someone else out there may feel something like I do is relief enough to make me feel...normal.