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|Lots of people come out after marrying and having children. You're hardly alone.
Be honest with your wife and children. They deserve honesty and they deserve to know your authentic self, even if that means the end of your marriage. It sounds like the marriage ending would cause everyone to breathe a sigh of relief even though it will still be a hard adjustment. Having a gay parent doesn't equal a broken home or miserable kids. Having parents who aren't in love and/or fight all the time does.
http://colage.org/ and http://camptentrees.org/ are great resources for your kids if they're interested at any point, including when they're teens or adults.