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|When I was a teenager, I identified as bisexual. I've always enjoyed checking women out. I think women are sexy and beautiful and before I came out as bisexual I had kissed a girl and I'd had several girl crushes throughout middle school. Aside from that one kiss, I never really did anything with a girl, sexually. I did have a girlfriend for a brief period of time but we never kissed. When my mom found out that I was coming out to people as bi and dating a girl, she went ballistic. She told me I didn't know what "bi" meant. She made me break up with my girlfriend. She also told me that she didn't understand why I wanted negative attention all the time. At the time I believed her and I eventually "grew out of it" and I actually really did think she was right... until now. I'm starting to think she may have simply shamed me into oppressing my true sexual orientation. I'm starting to wonder if I truly am bisexual and if I really could identify that way.
I recently moved to California so I could get away from my parents for a while and figure out who I really am and what I really want for myself. Now, five months later, I feel that I am much happier and relaxed and for the first time in a long time, I'm REALLY horny...all the time...I feel like a teenager again...and I've been noticing that my fantasies are about girls, NOT guys. I keep thinking about making out with girls and about doing a lot more than that...and it really turns me on. I keep thinking about all the girl crushes I've had, even AFTER I stopped identifying as "bi" and I've been wondering what would have happened had I actually pursued something with these people. Even though I feel strongly feminine, I've always felt a little bit off-beat compared with other girls. It's not that I don't identify with girls or anything like that, but my overall energy as a person tends to let off a slightly more outgoing aggressive, masculine vibe than that of most women. I recently was talking with a friend about all this, who identifies as a lesbian, and she admitted to me that she was surprised when we first met that I identified as 100% straight just because I trigger her "gaydar"... With every single boyfriend I've ever had, I've always liked checking out girls with them. It's just a fun thing to do. It also means that I very rarely, if ever, get jealous. My first reaction when the guys I date checks out another girl is never, "stop looking at her!" It's more like, "Oh, yea...I know exactly why you're looking at her...she's HOT!" I would never even think twice about it.
It's wierd that this is all coming up now. I'm finally in a financially stable situation, with a long term job, and future career path in mind. I'm in a relationship with a guy that I feel I could potentially spend the rest of my life with and how do I bring this up with him? If I even decide to at all? Is it OK if I don't want to? I think maybe it's comnig up now because every other aspect of my life is finally stable. Am I really bisexual? I'm not sure how to figure it out once and for all and end the debate in my head when I'm dating some one exclusively and I really don't want to jeopardize our relationship. He's already told me he would consider me fooling around with other girls to be cheating...not sure what to do.