View single post by Anna
 Posted: 2015-10-15 10:35 pm
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Anna

 

Joined: 2015-10-15
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OK, this is the third time I have tried to get this out...

Not even sure what to say, or even if I understand any of what I have to say.  I am a mess of confusion yet confidence on my own identity, but it has been that way as far back as I can remember.  Just hoping somebody understands, or knows what I have been going through, but pretty sure this is the place to find someone.

Right now, I live in a military town.  I am a retired US Army sergeant, with a wife and a son.  I love them both, immensely, and do not want to do or say anything to lose them, or make them think differently of me.  However, I am not really the person they see when they look at me.  I am, but I'm not.  You know?

I have spent the past couple decades trying to prove that I am a tough guy, Army man, soldier type.  One of the guys.  All that jazz.  It has been one big lie, but a pretty convincing performance for those that know me, and I even started to believe it for a while.  Inside, I am a very nice, friendly, caring woman.  I just typed that, and it brought tears to my eyes.  This has gone on long enough, too many years, but I don't think I can do anything about it for fear of hurting those who love and rely on me -- to stay the person that I "am" to them.

OK, I did it.  Kind of.  I can't say any more now.  I don't even know if anybody comes here or reads this stuff.  Kinda hope nobody does.  Hiding is so much easier.  I faced the enemy on the battlefield, but I can't even face myself.  It sucks.

Thanks for "listening" to my sob story.

Anna

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