View single post by country_bumpkin
 Posted: 2014-12-17 03:11 pm
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country_bumpkin

 

Joined: 2014-12-17
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Ok grab a cuppa this could be a long one.

I'm not into my 30's and have a family. I know some things about myself, but the more I find out the more questions I am left with and the more confussed I am.

This has led to on off depression (off is basically a burrying the depression..it never goes). Crying myself to sleep and a craving to find myself.

I slept with countless men growing up, I never connected with them, I know now I went over board because I was covering for something. the fact I was attracted to women.
MY family would have supported me fully, I know they would have, maybe even been greatful as my parents were horrified at how man boyfriends I got through (that they know of!).

All because I was compensating trying to fit into the "norm".

I also know that I like SOME men, men like Brian Molko, who like both sides and wear makeup and and femanine. I don't like body building, masuline men.

Then I met my husband, he's bi, so he once told me, he's "camp" I believe is a common term, he laughs like a girl and we'd sit discussing men he found attractive (and disagreeing as he liked very masculine men with tattoos, but pearcings and muscles...he likes his muscles.)
I liked men with long hair, who painted their nails black and were "gothy/emo" like. So there was SOME cross over.
I LOVE my husband, I really do. I couldn't image life without him, he is my best friend and my sole mate. But I have no sexual attraction like I used to (before he cut his hair...........bummer). He's manned up....he's to main stream male. He doesn't have that girly giggle anymore. His penis gives me shudders...not in a good way. Once upon a time he'd give me an orgasm but now thats all gone, and not through marraige, I'm just not attacted to him physically, but I do still love who he is. He'll never stop being my best friend and vuddle buddy every evening.

I crave a womans touch, contact and feel. There are still some men on my "if I ever met in my dreams list"....Brian Molko may have put some weight on but he'll never fall off that list.......
I miss my girlfriend from when I was at uni, I miss the feeling of hooking her jean belt loops in my finger and how her hips moved as she walked. Things a man can never come close to.

I used to have nightmares as a young teenager about women I knew, it wasn't until I grew older I realised thats because I was finding myself and realsing my attraction to them.

We were never a hush hush family, but I guess it never crossed my mum's mind I may be gay.
After all....I had boyfriends.

When I get dressed up I feel fake, makeup, hair, nails...I try for the "look" people expect but I'm not girly, I hate it. Makeup feels heavy and I'd rather throw my hair up in a knot and go up the farm and sit on the hay bales having a laugh with friends.

What does all of this make me? Friends from school that have "come out" are happily living their lives and here I am over 30 and still not sure what I am. What these thoughts and feelings mean.

Am I bisexual? Or am I a lesbian who is a bit of a rebel and finds femanine men attractive? Or are many bisexuals like that and prefer either masculine or femanine PEOPLE as opposed to a specific sex?

Given the choice....assuming Brian Molko isn't interested in a 30 somthing mother of two....I'd choose a woman, but then the small village I live in would hound my children so much I would always choose for their sakes a man to be "normal" on the outside of the sheltered views here. Ideally a man who I can have a giggle over other men and womens attractiveness with and who will share my eye liner...but a man.

Does this make any sense? I'm just spilling out the whole contence of my mind in the hope someone can piece it all together and help me understand my self.

I think this has all come to blows as I mentioned my husband told me years and years ago he liked men, he trusted me enough to open up to me and I was the first he told he was bi. However since he became a father he's shut it away, he wont discuss it, wont even give that naughty smile if I put a Hugh Jackman film on for him! Its like he's all of a sudden become embarassed about it!? I may as well be living with a straight guy, maybe he is...maybe he was just confussed over himself for years. I just don't know, but he wont dicuss it at all with me. Its a "closed" subject.
However its left me feeling exposed and alone.

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