|View single post by KK|
|Posted: 2013-12-05 04:50 am||
I'm going to apologize now, but this is going to be LONG.
First off, I'd like to say that I am proud to be apart of LGBT community and have never felt more at home with other LGBT members. I love how open-hearted, open-minded, and open-armed everyone is and it makes me feel very welcome, so I thank you guys for that.
Now, on to my main point. So, for the majority of my toddler years and throughout my adolescent aging, I struggled with identifying my sexuality. I knew that I liked boys, but I also couldn't help feeling love for girls, as well. I never really noticed how strong this part of me was until my senior year of high school (last year).
My last period of the day was an Intro to Pharmacy class, and I sat behind this, honestly, gorgeous blonde. We'll call her A. She had been at our school before, but she had left and then returned this past year. I had never really thought much more of A than her being pretty and shy. Every day that I would come to class, her eyes would seem to light up at my arrival. She would sometimes blush when she spoke to me and she acted very bashful. I immediately noticed this.
[Girl from Pharmacy Class]
One day, we were standing outside the class where I waited for my little brother, and A was standing close, struggling to maintain eye contact with me. When my brother showed up, she started to walk away, but she stopped and glanced back. I looked over to see her watching me like she was thinking about doing something (I can't imagine what this "something" could've been). For a few seconds she didn't move, like she was waiting for a sign to step back towards me. I gave her a simple smile. My small "hey" smiles are crooked, and apparently she took that as a reciprocating sign and almost stepped back towards me. She must have remembered my brother was there, though, and simply returned the smile before walking away.
I don't know if A is lesbian or bisexual or not, but she was giving off those vibes. It kind of opened my eyes to my own sexuality, and I started to think about "what could've been."
Okay, here's the next part. This experience with A must have opened my eyes and mind and heart to what I was so much that I began to see my best friend in a new light. We'll call her B.
[B(left) and me]
B and I have been friends since the 8th grade, and I have loved having her as a best friend. Granted, I didn't agree with some of the stuff she did sometimes, but what friends don't argue every once in a while?
So, a month or two into my last semester of my senior year, I began to get emotionally closer to B. I wanted her around more, I thought about her almost every day. Plus, I think the idea of knowing she was already bisexual helped ease me into thinking these things. Whenever she came over to spend the night, I didn't mind if her body was touching mine or if she wanted to rest her head on my shoulder. I was comfortable around her, and the funny thing was . . . she knew it.
On Prom night, a burning flame ignited in me and I knew that night that I had never and would never see anyone as beautiful and attractive as B. She looked absolutely gorgeous, and I wanted her all to myself. According to what she told me months later, B noticed this shift and began testing me to see if it was genuine. We went from acting normal to getting closer an closer and closer. At one point, I actually wrapped my arm around her middle and laced my other hand's fingers through hers. We were officially breaking the friendship barrier.
A few nights later, on the 2nd of July, she kissed me. We have been happily together now for five months.
Now that you've got the background to my life story, I have a question.
My girlfriend, B, and I were talking about our college degrees and I realized that hers would make more money than mine. Okay, just so you know, I have always, since the first night, considered myself the more masculine of the two of us. I had made it a personal goal of mine to have the best job so that I could provide for her and our future family.
Is this a normal topic to get this envious or upset about when you're the masculine female in a lesbian couple? I am just curious about what you guys think.
And, if you are wondering, we have only come out to our best friend (B's roommate), my great-aunt, and my second cousin. I am too worried to tell my mom, let alone my extremely conservative, obsessively anti-gay father. If you guys have any help or advice about coming out or keeping my relation with her on the DL, I would highly appreciate it.