|View single post by Merari|
|Posted: 2012-11-25 07:56 am||
|Hi, Im Merari, a 35 yr old man with an identity crisis.
I dont know who I am except that I am a mess.
I dont know how to define myself except by what I do not want to be. I dont want to be a fag but I dont feel Im a 'real man' either. I cant even grow a beard.
I try not to behave too feminine but in doing so I feel Im too consciously editing who I am.
Ive been gay all my life, I first realised when I was 12, but its not something I have ever been happy with. When I was young I wanted to belong and I didnt want to be different. Trying too much to hide who I was at that age led to me being lonely I suppose, as other people dont like fake people. When I was a little older I kept falling in love with guys I knew but I never dared to do anything with it and even when there were situations that could have led to something romantic I chose to shut off and run away, scare people away rather than let them near me. I suppose Ive always been afraid to let people near in case they hurt me.
Then when I was older, 19-22, I went to gay bars and slept around a lot. Now I dont live in a large town and eventually I got a reputation sort of like a used hanky and I suppose I decided not to go to gay bars anymore when I got tired of wiping spit off my back.
Now I just spend my days in my little world, job, food, sleep, my insular hobbies. And I dont /reach/ anymore. I dont try anymore. I think Im gonna be 85 and still alone and that makes me more sad than I dare to admit.
To other people Im all like: 'Relationship? Oh no no no, not for me!'
The point here is that Ive always been lonely, never wanted to be lonely, yet Ive resigned in living alone. I really dont want to go out and attract a man anymore. Im afraid I suppose.
I tell myself that it isnt easy for a man who likes other men, you can hardly go up to the first guy you like like a girl would, at least over here you cant, gotta be careful or youll get your lights punched out or worse. But I also tell myself Im just making excuses.
Thats my mess, I hope that sharing this will prove cathartic and that by sharing things Ive always kept to myself I can find some insight or peace. Given how easy it was to coast through the past ten years alone though, me and my fantasies, (I make a man out of pillows and blankets to sleep with ><.), how easy it has been just to give up and not even look for a mate anymore, I feel this inner dread.
The idea to never have someone to share my life with scares me.
I have two little brothers and they both share their lives with a nice girl, my baby brother just had a baby of his own.
And I go home to my appartment and make my dinner and sit in front of my internet with the tv on softly so I have human sounds in the background so as not to go totally mad, and I just go from day to day.
Im ok. But Im lonely.
Ive always been lonely, it has always been my biggest fear to be lonely and I dont know how to change. I dont know how to let people in.
Thats it guess.
Thoughts and comments welcome but please keep any bitchery to a minimum as Ive just beared my soul here.
Last edited on 2012-11-25 07:57 am by Merari