|View single post by IceBlaze|
|Posted: 2012-08-22 05:06 am||
| Hello there, this is really very long and I apologize for having such a long story… there is a lot of history leading up to this point, and if I ask you all a question, I would want you to be very well informed on my situation.
I am female, nearly 17, a senior, and I’m going through a very hard time concerning my sexuality.
I was brought up in the Deep South, in a very conservative Baptist Christian state and household. Now, I myself am a Christian, but I have about a hundred reasons or more that being homosexual is not a sin, but the views of my family, church, and honestly most of the south, are severely different.
At a very young age, my parents instilled in me that being anything but straight was a sin and a choice. And having never been told otherwise, I believed them. (A view that has since, changed dramatically). I now believe that, had I been raised differently as a child, I would have come to the beginnings of understanding my sexuality at a much earlier age.
My story begins in late elementary school. When all of the other girls began talking about how cute boys were, I would play along. But, for the most part, I thought it was silly. Boys were just like us with shorter hair, and honestly we girls were much prettier than them.
Not much happened in elementary school, but I do remember one dream I had in the fifth grade. In this dream I kissed a fellow female classmate. The dream left me shocked. I had never had any physical dreams about anyone, let alone a girl! I brushed it off as having seen her a lot the previous day and having her on my subconscious along with all her talk of how she kissed a boy.
Another strange thing about Elementary school is that, from around first grade though fourth grade, I wanted to be a boy. Not in a way that I felt I was one at heart, but part of me just felt it would be nice. I remember actually praying once that God would let me have a ‘Boy part’ just for a little while. That stopped though once I got my first period and I have never really thought of it since. I think I just felt boys got a lot more attention from my friends.
Anyway, when I started middle school, I would pursue certain boys. Mostly because it’s what every girl was expected to do, and I wanted some sort of companionship. I would have ‘crushes’, but never anything more than puppy love, which at that point in my 12 year old life I believed was the truest of all romance hehe. And any crush never lasted more than a month, and didn’t consume me in the way it seemed to do for other girls. I attributed it to me being more mature or independent. (I was quite an arrogant middle schooler…) Up to this point I never did experience any physical attraction. I mean, sure I imagined maybe kissing a guy, but never anything mare. That did make me feel a little weird, especially with all my friends constantly on the subject of sex…
I did start to make more friends, some of whom came out as gay or bi between middle and high school. I think this is where my stance changed from the homophobic views of my parents.
When eighth grade rolled around, I met Corry. He was fun to be around and I decided I liked him and we started dating. (Note: bad idea to start dating so young…). He became my long term boyfriend. Looking back, I really only loved him as my best friend. And I defiantly never felt any physical attraction towards him. We had are first kiss, which was slimy and messy, but I figured ‘what could I expect from a first kiss anyway?’ and try again. But, kissing never got any better. It felt gross. All spit and tongue, I felt like I was sharing food someone had spit on. I also would recoil at physical touch. Hugging, hand holding, hair stroking, all left me feeling like my personal space had been violated. And I would end up extremely annoyed. I never told him though, I figured I would get used to it and that it would eventually pass. (SPOILER: It didn’t)
After two years, Corry started wanting more. And I of course obliged because the poor guy had waited that long! But I made my ground rules that I wouldn’t go all the way. Period. It was awful. He did things to me, and I to him, and it all felt terrible. Annoying in the way you feel if someone is repeatedly poking you. I just waited for it to be over, and the time just dragged on and on. I would even let my mind wonder onto other things like homework and chores. This felt like a chore. But afterward, I let him think I enjoyed it. And the same routine repeated itself again and again.
At this point I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. I had never been aroused. Not once in my life. Not even slightly. I tried pleasuring myself, even looking up tips, even watching porn, but nothing even remotely worked.
I started thinking that maybe I wasn’t the problem. Maybe it was Corry. So I would have “sex conversations” with other guys through text. But that was even less enjoyable than anything else. Bored out of my mind I would get these guys off while I read a book or watched TV.
I then started to realize that I was different. Maybe I was sick. The thought of being with a man repulsed me, even made me nauseous. I would cry and cry, thinking I was broken. That I was a mistake, made with a critical defect. Questions went through my mind. “How will I ever get married? No one would ever want to be with me if I can’t give them what they want. How would I tell my mum? She would never have grandchildren…” I spent month’s Googling things about sexual dysfunctions, and asking yahoo answers to see if anyone else out there was like me. I couldn’t find anything. One day I came across several articles on Asexuality. I searched for more information, thinking ‘maybe this is who I am.’ But the articles didn’t quite fit perfectly. I wanted to enjoy sex… I just didn’t want to actually HAVE it. (If that makes any sense at all…)
I decided to try to explain my feelings to Corry. But he took it very personally. I explained to him that it wasn’t just him I felt this way about, it was any man. He then went into denial telling me I should get help, counseling and therapy; and that I should take hormones and go to doctors and have tests done and get psychoanalyzed to ‘see what the root of my problem comes from so they can fix me’. I spent hours trying to explain it. But he always met me with the same responses.
At this point I knew I didn’t have any attraction to him romantically either. Nothing more than a friend. And I attempted to break up with him but he kept saying ‘not over this, we’ve been through so much!’ and I just couldn’t hurt him…
Not long after, I met Bekah. Beautiful, smart, funny Bekah. She was wonderful and we became instant best friends. I couldn’t figure out what it was about her, but I wanted to be around her all the time. I wanted to talk to her, to hug her, to just look at her. When we had sleepovers I would make it a point to sleep next to her. I was confused as to where this obsession came from. And one day when her leg touched mine, I felt a sensation I had never felt before. Could this be arousal? I would spend forever looking at pictures of us and waiting to see her again. And when she mad any kind of harsh comment, even jokingly, it would hit my like a ton of bricks.
I was so confused. Why was I feeling this was toward a girl? ‘I’m not gay!’ I would think. After a year I came to grasps that maybe I was attracted to girls. Maybe I was bisexual. I don’t know why, but that revelation tore me up. I did not WANT to like girls. I tried to stop. Telling myself I was being stupid. But sis moths later I came out as bi to my close friend, Emma. She was somewhat supportive. She told me to be proud of who I am and, even though she doesn’t agree with it, that she still loves me. (I never understood that… how can you ‘not believe in it’ if it exists as clear as day…?)
Several months later a male friend discovered my search history and asked me if I was bi. I told him yes and he came out to me as well. We hugged and we began to talk openly to each other about same-sex crushes. But one day he asked a question that really set my mind reeling. We were talking and he asked “are you sure you aren’t a lesbian?”. Of course I was shocked, of course I wasn’t! Why would he ask such a thing!? He told me that he noticed I only ever talked about girls I like or that I find attractive, (even a friend who was FTM transgendered to whom I was attracted to). and never once had I talked about any guy. BAM.
Now all the questions have been set in motion. Am I really a lesbian? I mean, I’ve had feelings towards guys, albeit few and short lasting. But still, I’ve had them. And I am still with my boyfriend of four year to whom I posses neither feelings nor attraction to in any manner. Unable to break his heart and at a standstill. Especially if I break up with him saying ‘oh I’m sorry, but I like girls now.’ When I’m sure he’d feel like he ‘Turned me’ lesbian.
But again, there is that question. Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? What the heck am I!? My mind is going crazy. Even when I try to convince myself that I do not need labels. I can love who I love and that is that. But I want to know who I am. I feel lost. And I’m afraid of being shoved onto a path I know nothing about. And then there are other fears: I would be disowned by my very uptight parents, the majority of my friends whom I am very close to would not want anything to do with me due to their (very blatantly displayed) views. If I AM solely attracted to girls, I don’t know the first thing about pursuing a girlfriend or even finding another girl I connect with who is interested in girls. And if I DO manage to get a girlfriend she may force me to out myself. But what if I’m not even a lesbian? What if my preferences change and I’m suddenly attracted to men? What if I put myself through all this for nothing? All these questions and more are just swarming inside me and have left me unable to sleep for days. I am so confused, and honestly I’m not even sure what I’m asking for advice on. I just would give anything to hear an opinion other than my own. Or to hear the words of someone who has gone through this or something similar. I feel so very alone and I’m just so tired. I’m tired of running from myself. I want to learn who I am. I want to know I’m not alone and how to live my life in a way so different from what I had ever imagined… I love you all and any reply would mean so much more to me than you could possibly know. <3