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Please Someone Help! Advice Wanted!
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 Posted: 2013-05-12 11:44 pm
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Searching4Simple

 

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I'm fairly new to forums and I thought this would be a good start. I am in need of some advice and I'm not really comfortable asking friends and/or family about this situation.

I have just recently become more comfortable with myself and knowing who I really am. I would say I'm a bisexual guy however, I lean more towards guys than girls. The thing is though, yes, I am first physically attracted to a person but the personality of that person quickly determines whether or not I stay attracted to them. I fall for a persons feelings and qualities over their looks, which I find is an added bonus not a deal maker or breaker.

I'm just going to jump straight into the issue here. I graduated high school a year ago. For the first time in a years, I'm having real feelings for someone. This happens to be a guy (which is more common than having feelings for girls) and I happen to be really good friends with this guy's mom and family. About five months ago my work hired this guy and I trained him for most part and we work a lot together. So needless to say we have spent a lot of time together. This all seems pretty awkward because I'm such good friends with his mom and family. I don't want to ruin any friendships or anything over this because to me that would not be worth it (and it would ruin any sort of reputation I've built for myself). Another kicker is that I've never been in a relationship before so I'm not sure how to go about this at all.

Here are some characteristics that he has (I will also add some examples after some of these):
- Considerate.
- Helpful. I can't count the number of times he's helped me or asked if I needed help.
- Polite. If there is one thing that wins me over quicker is manners. He's so good at pleases and thank you's and you're welcome's.
- Funny. Now here's the thing about funny. His whole entire family are jokers. His dad is one of the biggest jokers I've ever met. A lot of his material for funny comes from his dad. His grandpa is quite the sarcastically quick witted people that live among us. However, even his mother is fairly hilarious. Yes, he can be over the top and borderline offensive but he knows the limits.
- Temperamental. This is something I have not witnessed but I've heard that it can be not pretty at all. I hope I never do get to witness do considering this is mostly aimed towards his brothers.
- Good work ethic. He's really good about jumping in and helping and getting things done when they need to be.
- Worrier. His mom is nearly always fraught with worry so he comes by this naturally.
- Extremely energetic. He is a high school guy so being energetic is no surprise to anyone.
- Athletic. It's a good thing he's athletic using all that energy.
- Smart. He is very smart. He's got book smart and quite a bit of street smart. And I am really intimidated by smart people!
- Insecure. This is not a big one but he likes to be reassured a lot that he is right. Especially when we are working together. After 5 months he still asks a lot of questions.
- Sarcastic. This is a characteristic that I can identify with very easily! Being sarcastic makes my day fly by! I love it!
- Cute. As I said before, I don't spend a whole lot of time on physical appearance but I love the fact that he's cute as opposed to "hot" because then I would feel really out of league (still do though).
- Over the top. With his sense of humor and his age (sadly) he can be very over the top. This is expected though to have some immaturities at his age (16).
- Family oriented. He and his family are very oriented around one another. I love that. I was raised a single parent only child individual so I love the fact that I can have a loving family one day. My parent did the absolute best and I begrudge them nothing!
- Easily annoyed. I guess this falls more in line with his brothers but what siblings can't be annoying? I've never seen this either only through talking with his mom do I know this.
- Bit of a bragger. He's got some ego on him sometimes. This is probably one of the few turn offs that I've found thus far. However, I will say the things he brags about are definitely things he is good at and he knows this. Though, I do not condone showing off.
**Now I've saved these for last hoping that they hold some weight but I'm still not sure.
- No sense of personal space. This is one thing I've noticed when he is around me. When we talk sometimes he definitely stands close enough that I can feel his body heat or he even stands close enough that we are actually touching. This throws my mind into whirls and sends my stomach fluttering.
- Touchy. Every time we are together he touches me. It's fairly innocent in my mind but it's at least once every time we are together. This is something I really picked up on after the third of fourth time. Just last week we were sitting down and we happen to turn towards each other and our legs touched, inner legs even, and neither of us moved. This may be creepy but it was nice because it was warm and sort of comforting.

Now that I've given some insight into him I would like to say that I can easily read into things that are not there. There are definitely some times that my head hurts because of the 180's he does. He makes comments like "I'm not gay" occasionally (weirdly enough, I've noticed this usually when we're alone together) but then again he'll sometimes flippantly say "I'm gay". Unfortunately, I can't remember the instances in which these occurred because my head was too busy reeling. Now I will say that I have tried to flirt back (if that is what he was doing, flirting) in harmless ways. I laugh at his jokes, because he is funny and I do watch him a lot. But I also catch him watching me too. Times when I do something stupid or do something cool he is usually watching. I am not a shallow person. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am and what I want from life which is part of the reason why I have never been in a relationship before. Now for the big kicker, he has had a girlfriend. Although, through a mutual friend who has had a heart to heart with him a few weeks ago, they broke up. But from what I understand they never went on a real date, talked on the phone, talked at school, much of anything really. Hearing this news of their break up made my heart jump a bit but it also worried me. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way and I don't know how to go about this. I don't even know if this is anything that can turn into something. Please please help me! I need to know what to do. I can NOT and will NOT ask him questions regarding sexuality or things like that. I will if he bring them up but I can't bring myself to do that. I'm an honest person and I just want to do what is right. I went to school with this guy and I'm friends with his family. I don't want anything to get out in the open for fear something bad will happen. I need some major advice! Thank you so much for reading my novel. I won't be surprised if no one actually reads this. Thank you, anyone, for the help you can provide me!!

Sincerely,
Searching4Simple

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 Posted: 2013-05-14 05:04 pm
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marshmallow

 

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Hi and welcome to the lgbt forum.  :)

Sounds like you've got the hots for this guy and it seems to me from your description that he is struggling with the fact that he has an attraction to you as well.

I think the fact that you said you will not talk to him about his sexuality pretty much puts the whole thing to a halt.  If you are so dead set  against putting it out in the open verbally, I can't imagine you ever making a move to act on your attraction physically.  So where that leaves you is waiting on him.  From the way you describe his actions and his apparent struggle, I think you have a long wait.  And if he does eventually act on his attraction, there is a good chance he will go back and forth and drive you nuts.  Major drama.

My advice would be to enjoy the flirtation and the attraction but never expect anything at all.  Move on, date other people and forget about moving forward with him.  If for some reason the Universe brings you two together then enjoy it - but expect to become a part of his struggle with accepting himself.

The way to begin dating would be to flirt a little and then just come on out and ask someone on a date.  Out and proud.  Unless you just get out there and ask for what you want, you will not get it.....

You may not like this advice but to me it is the reality of the situation.

One more note - you mention not wanting to be out there with your sexuality because it might tarnish your reputation.  This is a problem because as long as you feel that way you will never live a balanced and healthy life.  If you are gay, or bi, you must fully accept it and be out and proud.  If you hide it, then you add to the homophobia in the world.

 

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 Posted: 2013-05-19 05:28 am
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Searching4Simple

 

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Hi there and thank you for the welcome!

Finally, someone I can talk to and ask advice from!
Yes, I would say that I might have the hots for this guy. I would love it if he were attracted to me too. It's never that easy though. However, I would not want him to struggle with it. I realize what I'm about to say is like a fantasy but I'd like it to be easy to realize his attraction. Never that easy for anyone though.

Going back to not talking to him about sexuality. I just don't feel like it's my place to bring it up. If he wants to talk about it, then that's great, I'd be more than happy to. Nervous, but happy. It would please me even more if there were no drama involved. Although, that is rarely the case. I still hold out a small hope that something might happen one day.

Just tonight, we worked together (which is about once a week. Not much) and we had a pretty good time. We steal glances every now and then. He has this thing about lifting his shirt up further than necessary to put his phone in his pocket or retrieve it. I did that once and caught him steal a glance at me as well. A couple things that still confuse me is that he calls me bro every now and then and he talks about "girls" sometimes. Yet he still stands so close to me and makes a point to touch me every now and then. Not that I'm complaining, I'm just confused. I'm new to all this really.

As far as being "out", allow me to rephrase myself. The people that are most important to me know about me. Otherwise, I don't go around advertising it because I think it's part of my personal life and important people of my life can share that.

Thanks for the help!

Sincerely,
Searching4Simple

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 Posted: 2013-05-22 04:38 pm
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marshmallow

 

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well, it may be a fantasy with that particular guy - but you can certainly find someone else who is self aware, proud and comfortable with himself! 

I think you might be fooling yourself when you say that you are out because you share who you are with those closest to you.  Sexuality is a huge part of who we are and it is impossible to pick and choose who we let know and still be centered and live a fulfilling life.  Now, I'm not saying we all need to say it first thing to everyone we meet, but, should effort be made to hide who we are (unless we are in real danger by doing so)?  no - in my opinion.  If your sexauality is more widely known you won't have to dream about an easy realationship with someone who seems incredibly repressed because others will find you.

I think you are on a positive path and are moving on a path of being fully realized and comfortable completely with yourself (and thus letting the world know who you are).  Believe me - when you are out to everyone life actually gets way easier. 

 

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