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|It’s in moments like these I really start thinking. Who am I? Obviously I am a person, a living creature, but deep down inside, who am I really? Born with the name Linnea, I grew up to be a happy little girl. Getting used to the unwritten rules of society, and my gender role, which obviously is female, I started my journey through life.
I never really liked clothes and shopping, I never felt the need to wear makeup either, I just thought it was stupid. As most people in my situation, I was trying to fit in by dressing more girlish, wearing mascara once In a while and generally just doing whatever girls do. From the beginning I always had tons of boy playmates, and never understood why I didn’t have anything in common with the other girls. I wanted to play with action figures, pokemon, lego and all that good stuff, and they wanted to play family with dolls, and fool around talking about boys. I didn’t feel any different from anyone, I was just a normal little girl.
Starting up school, I kept doing my thing, playing with boys, switching pokemon cards and playing on Nintendo Ds’s together. It wasn’t until about 5th or 6th grade I finally started getting girl-friends. Although I still wanted to hang out with guys, play soccer with them, run around and play police and thief, I still felt like I needed to be doing what I was supposed to be doing. I asked my mom if she would buy me new clothes, that were more girlish, and I got my hair done. That was the time that I really wanted to fit in, and just be like the other girls.
The first time I noticed that I actually was attracted to both girls and boys, was around that time when it was popular to play “Truth or Dare”, which mostly involved kissing and hugging. One of the girls in my class was dared to give me a kiss, and I could never figure out why she wouldn’t. Just as if she was a boy, I actually wanted to kiss her, even though she wouldn’t. I remember times when I said that I would rather have a penis than what I have, and I would often take off my pants and stand over the toilet and pee, just as if I was a boy.
I’ve always loved video games, and generally sort of nerdy/boyish stuff. I love the old Nintendo 64, the old Xbox, the new Xbox 360, Computer games and different online games. Up through the years I somewhat stopped caring what I wore, as long as it was comfortable, and I wanted to wear it, such as roomy sweatpants and t-shirts, that was the way to go. At the age of about 11, I wanted to do what the other girls started doing, shaving their legs and putting bra’s on. I only wanted to wear a bra for the simple fact that everyone did it, and it was more or less expected of me. I never liked it, and upon till this day, I still struggle with them, I don’t like them at all.
8th-10th grade went really fast. I was coming up with the conclusion that I was bi. I told a couple of people, but my family or my best friend still doesn’t know. Right now I’m totally cool with it, and I wouldn’t mind telling anyone, but I don’t feel the need to.
About a year ago, I started watching different YouTubers that has had the same problem, and was giving me a better understanding of identity and sexuality. I came across something called “LGBT”, which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual/Transgender. I already understood and fully out respected people falling in love with the same sex/gender, considering both me and my sister aren’t straight. I never really understood what the T stood for, obviously I knew that it stood for Transsexual/Transgender, but I didn’t fully out understand what it meant. I started YouTubing that as well, and found out more about it. I was already aware of the discrimination/ suffering and suicide rates of this group, but until you actually know what it means and what it is, you don’t really know anything at all. I started questioning my gender for the first time about 6 months ago, and still struggling to find out who I am. Am I a boy, or just some tomboy? At that time I said to myself: “It’s probably just a fase or some curiosity” and decided to just forget about it. About 2 weeks back, I started bringing it up again, questioning who I really was. Over the 6 month period, I realized that I actually really hated my boobs. I didn’t want them to be there, mainly because I thought I would look better without them, and the fact that bras were uncomfortable no matter what I did. Almost straight away I started searching on Google for surgeries and costs, and on the male hormone “Testosterone”, that would give me a deeper voice, and facial hair. I loved the thought of being considered “sexy” or “handsome”, with above average muscle mass and cool hair, with stylish clothes. I’ve even dreamt of being somewhat similar to what I just explained, as well as being someone’s girlfriend. Thinking back at when I was going to the Christmas prom in a suit and a tie, it started to make sense. I didn’t want to just jump into a conclusion, and just start to take hormones etc. I didn’t even tell anyone yet. After I got my birthday presents, which was a really cool t-shirt along with this really awesome zip sweater/jacket, I was absolutely thrilled with the way I looked. I more or less wanted to be this way, and I felt like this was the real me. But then again I still have my boobs and all. Straight away, I started searching for binders, and looking up ways to be fit and get muscles, because that is what I really wanted. And this is where I am today. I want a binder, but I do not want to tell my parents about it, and especially not my friends. I would rather be the hero and the protector in the relationship, than someone that needs to be taken care of. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know who I am..
So what do I do? I’m in a difficult position. I want to go to a gender specialist or some sort of therapy, but I don’t want anyone to know about it. I have a real hard time opening up to people, and especially my closest. Even though I know I can trust them, and can really only expect the best, I still don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, cause I don’t have that close “mother-daughter” or father-daughter” relationship. I don’t know.
When I think about it, I realize that I hate getting dressed in the morning. Not only because I am extremely lazy and tired in the morning, but also because I don’t feel like I have anything appropriate to wear. The few times that I actually like getting dressed in the morning and looking at myself in the mirror, are the times that I find a tomboy/more guyish outfit that I really like, and I will stick with it until I really, really need to wash it.
What should I do?
By the way, I'm sorry if my English is bad, I am Norwegian, plus I’m 16.