Hi, I just need a bit of help because I feel like I'm going insane. I'm in my late twenties and my girlfriend is 20 years older than me. We've been together 3 years now. I've never been with men, only women.
My girlfriend says she was a virgin before me and was only kissed by a few guys along the way. She said she was always repulsed by the feel of anyone touching her hand etc, other people's skin made her feel ill. Saying this, before we got together, she said she'd had a 'dalliance' with her high school teacher just after she left school, then later admitted she'd exaggerated to make herself seem more experienced than she actually was, thinking I'd think she was a weirdo for being an older virgin. She also said she'd had a few other guys kiss her along the way, but nothing more. I was abused by an old male teacher when I was a child, so I think this adds to my trust issues.
Now, I do trust her, but I think since she lied to me in the beginning about being more experienced than she says she was, I find it hard not to doubt her sometimes. I know her past shouldn't matter and it's none of my business, I know this. But because of my crazy weird head, I start imagining things and it spirals out of control in my mind.
She recently found old pictures of herself when she was mid 20s, so of course I would've been a baby around that time, and for some reason it made me feel SICK with jealousy. I feel like I NEVER want to see old photos of her, because I always wonder which guy was after her or something, which I'm fully aware is bordering on controlling psychopath levels of insanity. An ex lied to me constantly and I found out truths when she showed me old photos so maybe that doesn't help.
I'm just so tired of constantly hurting myself with all this nonsense, I wish I could find some peace. I already see a counsellor. Thing is, this stuff comes and goes, sometimes I'm all about the present/future and I'm fine - she doesn't ever really talk about it. I just hope she didn't lie about things just to make sure it didn't weird me out.. because for some reason, that'd kill me.
Any ideas as to how I can see photos and all without going mental in my head? She knows now I have an issue about 'the guy thing' but I wish I was totally cool with it like most people. I seem to have an issue with MALE ex's/experiences but not really female. I wish my head would just shut up!
Any advice you could give would be great. Thank you for reading if you got this far!
I would recommend trying to focus on the present and yourself. What is making you insecure to have this spiraling feelings?
I totally understand where you're coming from, whenever my girlfriend talks about/hangs out with her ex-boyfriends I have this concern shes going to decide she is straight and wants to be with a man, not a woman. But I keep it under control by telling myself she chose and continues to choose to be with me, and no one else. In this moment, we are together and that's what matters.