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how to deal with my boyfriend having a child
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 Posted: 2013-02-04 04:16 pm
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askingquestions

 

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So my partner and i are a gay couple & have been together for 6mos. We completely love each other. We live together.
Before we meet, he was in a 4.5yr relationship with a woman. He's 100% gay, but according to him, she pursued him & he gave in to her after a while (which i won't EVER understand...but i digress). Long story short, he decided to have a child with her & start a family. 6mos after his son was born, he caught her cheating & left her. This was 6 yrs ago. Now she lives out of state, & has their son. Their son will be here in summer to stay with us. And I'm terrified.
Whenever he or someone else mentions the boy, all i can picture is the man i love conceiving this child with this woman...making love to her...wanting to be with her forever...and it drives me mad. I'm so scared that he'll decide one day to get back with her for the sake of his son. That the kid & i won't get along & he'll dump me because of it... That she'll come back in the picture...
As a gay man, I've never had to deal with my partner's ex CONTINUOUSLY being in his life, & now here i am knowing that he talks to her daily when he calls to talk to his son. It really upsets me ... But i can't ask him to not talk to her since she's the mother... I don't know what to do. I've had nightmares of him telling me he's going to get back with her. I've expressed these fears to him, & as much as he tries to reassure me that he's with me to stay, they still constantly run through my mind.
I'm so afraid that when the boy gets here, I'll be thrown in the back seat & forced to just go with whatever he wants. The kids doesn't even know i exist, & that hurts.
Is he ashamed to tell him about me? Am i wrong for getting afraid? it consumes me to where if my partner even mentions him i feel like crying.
On another note... I've always wanted kids... But with my partner (Adopt, surrogate, etc). I've always wanted that first child experience to be something WE shared & went through together. now i can never have it. The beauty of the first child is gone for him. If we had one together, he'd know exactly what to expect & I'd be the fool tyring to keep up. how does a gay man get over his partner having a child?

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 Posted: 2013-02-04 04:46 pm
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ftmichael
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This kind of insecurity is best dealt with in therapy, to be honest. I think it would help you enormously. A lot of step-parents go through similar feelings, but it's not healthy for you, your partner, or your partner's son.

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 Posted: 2013-02-04 06:02 pm
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marshmallow

 

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I don't think you ever "get over" your partner having a child.  You decide to embrace his child or you move on. 

I think the reason you get so upset every time you think of his child is because you do not trust your partner's commitment to your relationship.  This issue is causing all the confusion and sadness you are feeling.  They all go back to this issue.  I do not necessarily blame you if he, in fact, will not tell his child about you.  Unless he does that I can see where you might question his commitment.  Do not allow yourself to be put in the back seat.  Tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity to prove to you how committed he is by including you in on his relationship with his child.

You and your partner can have your own children and not have it tainted by his current child.  It will be a unique and exciting experience because it will the first child that you will have raised from the beginning.

If he does include you and you open up to his child (and not let your insecurity get in the way) you will see that it will be a very rewarding experience and will bring you even closer to your partner.

Decide what you need from him so that you can truly trust his commitment.  It seems to me that it is him including you in his relationship with his child.

Last edited on 2013-02-04 06:15 pm by marshmallow

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 Posted: 2013-02-04 06:17 pm
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askingquestions

 

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You bring up a valid point, marshmallow. It's true... According to what his son knows, i don't even exist. I made mention to him before that i would appreciate it if his son was "expecting" to meet me before he arrives. He got extremely frustrated & actually walked away from our conversation. "he's just a child" he kept saying. Sooo you can't tell him about me because he's just a child...so what's going to happen when he's here & sees us both go to bed...in the same bed? Will he still be an innocent child who doesn't need to know anything? How can he expect me to be a part of this kid's life if he doesn't want him knowing about me???
On the other hand, he still introduces me to ppl as his "friend".
Am i crazy or do i have a valid point here? ....& how do i fix it?

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 Posted: 2013-02-05 01:25 pm
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Bump it up

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 Posted: 2013-02-05 11:10 pm
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marshmallow

 

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I'm not a parent myself, but I'm pretty sure there are many gay couples out there who have been able to find a way to explain their relationship to their very young children.  Sounds like your relationship has a general problem in that you want to be more out than your partner does and that is creating fiction.  Sounds like there are some issues you two need to hammer out. 

I have been with my wife (same sex) for 25 years.  She still, on occasion, will introduce me as her friend.   On occasion!  Sometimes the situation is just so weird that she doesn't want to deal with coming out.  So, I guess it depends on how often he refers to you as a friend, etc.

 

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 Posted: 2013-02-07 01:41 am
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ftmichael
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Again, I strongly recommend therapy - and that your partner connects with other gay parents. The fact that he thinks a young child can't 'handle' the idea of having a gay parent is ridiculous. Lots of kids have two moms or two dads. The younger his son is, the better it will go. It is seriously simple to explain being gay to a child. 'Sometimes girls and boys fall in love with each other, and sometimes boys fall in love with boys or girls fall in love with girls. The most important thing is that they love each other.' Done. It's adults that have hang-ups and issues and questions and get confused; children don't. The younger they are, the less confused they get about anything.

Read The Queer Parent's Primer by Stephanie Brill. Both you and your partner would get a lot out of it.

Last edited on 2013-02-07 01:41 am by

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 Posted: 2013-02-07 02:49 pm
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I've only between trying to explain that to him...that kids are the easiest to explain anything to because they have yet to be tainted by society. Idk how he expects anything to work if he tries to hide in the closet again, & fit me in there with him...
As far as therapy goes, I'm sure we could both use it...but who has the money for it?

Last edited on 2013-02-07 02:51 pm by askingquestions

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 Posted: 2013-02-15 04:14 pm
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ftmichael
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If you have health insurance, it should cover therapy. If not, or the therapist(s) you want to try don't accept your insurance, ask them about sliding scale fees. They may be a whole lot more affordable than you think.

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