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 Posted: 2011-12-24 03:20 am
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lovelyone

 

Joined: 2011-12-23
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Hi, I'm sure this post is nothing new because I intellectually understand that there are others out there that feel like I do and constantly are going through the ups and downs and feeling scared about what it is that I'm feeling, but emotionally it feels like I'm by myself in all of this.

From the time I can remember I know I have looked at girls (myself being one of them) in much the same way I would look at boys. Even though I didn't come from an overtly religious/christian home I still felt extremely guilty and scared that what I was feeling/thinking was wrong (I was pretty much catholic minus being baptised, etc.) I of course never said anything to anyone when I was younger and I didn't understand why I was even thinking/feeling what I was. I remember back in junior high school, one day walking home with my best friend and having this huge urge to kiss her, I wondered what it would be like to kiss her even though I still got huge crushes on guys. I never told my friend this either.

Also, while I was growing up I ended up finding my father's playboys and looking through (at first curious) but then while looking at them I just couldn't look away. It was very strange for me and I had felt like what I had done was wrong, again not sure why.

I've had many unfortunate interactions with people, many have broken my trust and hurt me in major ways (both male and female) especially while I was growing up and I shied away from others and I didn't get my first kiss until I was 20 nearly 21 and the only reason I got it to begin with was because I wanted to know what it felt like, this being with a guy. I ended up getting it and then I felt nothing. I didn't even know the guy so I feel like that was why I didnt feel anything but I'm still unsure about that. I have always found women to be pretty/beautiful etc. And it seems to ebb and flow, for long periods of time I find myself just looking at guys but then WHAM! I'm hit with the idea that I like women too. I've tried talking to my other best friend about it and she told me that I would only know when I try it out, but isn't there a point when you say to yourself you just know? Like how do all the straight people out there know their straight? They dont seem to have to "try it out"? I even tried talking to another friend about things I was feeling/confusion, told her I liked a girl we saw at the one gay club in our city but then I started to feel weird and told her my "confusion" was over and that I was definitely straight. End of story. **sigh** And I haven't talked about it much since with my other best friend either so I'm just feeling so alone at the moment.

I flirted briefly with a girl back in college via AIM and she was on campus like I was and I liked flirting with her and it felt nice but then just like before I got scared and ended up telling her I was definitely straight etc. She seemed to find it cute and seemed to accept it.

I know I definitely like guys, I've had WAY too many fantasies/crushes on guys not to be, but I get so confused/conflicted about my feelings towards women.

At times when I feel like saying, "FUCK IT" I try on the whole "I'm bisexual" and it has made me feel better, almost like it fits but then again it all feels like too much.

I've never been out on a date with either sex (I'm 26 btw), and I'm not socially incapable of it I just truthfully haven't felt like I had the time for it, I was in school working nearly full time, etc. It just never seemed to come up...Now though I just...I feel lost and scared and I just...I just want help and some clarity that's why I joined this site to see if I could chat with others and gain some insight and possibly figure out what the hell is going on with me.

Any help, thoughts, etc. from anyone would be VERY appreciated.

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 Posted: 2011-12-27 07:22 pm
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marshmallow

 

Joined: 2011-05-25
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Welcome to our forum and thanks for sharing! 

For me, I sorta knew I was a lesbian - thought I might be - and when I decided to move to CA, I moved to SF so I would be somewhere accepting if I was indeed gay.  Once I got to SF, I went straight for the lesbian bars and it felt right from the start.  Although, I kept dating men for a little while.  I think most people start out thinking they are bi-sexual - and some stay bi-sexual, some end up gay and some end up straight.  It is a progression. 

You asked how straight people know they are straight.  I think most people just assume that they are straight - unless they begin to feel attractions to the same sex.  However, with more and more pop culture icons coming out as being gay - it may cause young adults to question their sexuality without actually feeling same sex attractions.  You, however, definitely seem to be experiencing some same sex attractions which would be worth investigating when the opportunity arises.

For me it was intuitive - I never really tried to think it out too much.  Even in high school, while in a relationship with a boy that I really got along with, I had (what I now realize to be ) huge crushes on my friends. I really cared about them more than any guy and eventually broke up with my boyfriend (without really understanding why until later).  Go with your flow - if you feel attracted to someone - go with it and see where you end up.  It is much better kissing someone whom you have slowly developed an organic relationship/attraction with. 

The first time I made love with a women, I had picked her up at a bar and I felt weird afterwards.  Once I was dating around a little, and the "weirdness" went away, I ended up kissing someone after developing a more organic relationship with her, and it was so exciting and I felt soooo many butterflies! 

It may be worth it for you to investigate where your fear is coming from.  With fear in the way, it seems like it would be a challenge to stay in touch with how you are feeling outside of that fear and allowing yourself to be open to where your attractions are. 

It would seem obvious that your fear is coming from society's demonization of the lesbian lifestyle.  Yet, maybe it is something else as well.  Perhaps find an lgbt support group where you can explore your feelings with others - or - see a therapist who is recommended from your local lgbt support center.  This is important - you don't want to see an anti-gay therapist.

So, perhaps figure out your fears first - and then be open to your attractions as they happen naturally in life. 

You may end up gay, bi or straight - who knows - and that identification may change throughout life.  It is a combination of what dna you are born with - and the heart and soul of the people you meet.

 

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