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Family Acceptance?
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 Posted: 2011-08-27 02:34 am
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zoe_hiddenwings

 

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I, a woman, am engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She's smart, funny, and so pretty. We keep each other in check, we laugh, and neither of us has ever felt love like this before. But my family is... well, making life complicated. You see, my love happens to be MtoF transgendered, and is going through transition. They say they are "working on it", but its been three years. THREE years since we came out to them, which was traumatic enough, given that my grandmother told me how disappointed my then-recently passed grandfather was.

We set a wedding date, but its like pulling teeth to get anyone involved, and no matter how many times we explain things, they always act like they have never heard it before.

They never act like we had a coming out talk at all. They treat me like a straight girl engaged to a straight guy. It is so frustrating, and emotionally hard on me. On both of us. I can't use feminine pronouns around them. Mom ignores what I say and dad looks somewhere between angry and uncomfortable.

Does anyone else have a similar story? Preferably one where things worked out... :( I feel like I'm playing a constant waiting game, where dad plays cool and tells me mom will come around, but then ends the conversation when "my type" comes into the conversation. Does anyone have any experience or advice?

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 Posted: 2011-08-27 04:10 am
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marshmallow

 

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So happy that you have found such a wonderful woman! 

I have not had an exact experience as yours, but sorta close. 

When I came out to my parents (as a lesbian) they were very dramatic and had a very difficult time accepting.  My dad wouldn't touch me for two years .....  At that time I made an agreement with them that they didn't need to tell their friends, etc.  for a few years while they got use to the idea.  I lived out of town so it was workable for me. 

Probably seven years went by and I finally told them the deal was off and although I couldn't force them to come out to the family, I was going to.  My mom came around first and started telling some family and friends.

Fast forward 25 years - my parents are now defending the gay community when their friends say hateful, homophobic things; they accept my wife as their child and have come around about as much I could ever expect.

We got married about six years ago.  We went to Canada and did not invite anyone and had a wonderful honeymoon on an Alaskan cruise.  Reason?  We just wanted it to be easy and with no drama.  It was a beautiful experience for us and meant so much!  Six years ago was also just when marriage was taking off and most of my friends were just doing simple civil unions.  We aren't the type for a big, complicated celebration so it worked well for us.

My advice?  Allow your parents to grow at their own pace.  At the same time, you have to live life the way you need to and if that means coming out to your friends and family, so be it.  You have to life your life for you and you are not responsible for the affect it has on others.  You also do not have to accept their judgments on you and your wife to be.  But, try to understand where they are coming from and why it is hard for them to get their minds around it.  They'll come around and reason it all out in their own way.

I would not try to involve them in your marriage.  It is your day and it should be nothing but loving and without drama.  Invite only those who truly believe in your love.

Don't let anybody's negative attitude taint the love you are experiencing. 

That is my two cents.  Hope it helps.

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 Posted: 2011-08-27 04:54 pm
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zoe_hiddenwings

 

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Thanks for sharing your experience!

I spent most of my life with a MUST PLEASE PARENTS complex, and won approval very, very rarely, and now that I'm older, I've mostly grown out of it. (I have a wonderful therapist to thank for that.) Most of the time I can live without their approval without even thinking about it. There are just some things that I'm still working on, though. There are some days when I'm fine with letting them take their time, and then other days when I cry my eyes out about everything.

Thanks for your response and advice!

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