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Lesbian, straight, bi--I HAVE NO CLUE (long)
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 Posted: 2011-06-03 12:35 am
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confusedgirl23

 

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I'm 22 and I've never been so confused in my life. I grew up pretty religious, although my parents were somewhat open-minded. Basically I always went along being a cozy, cute little straight girl. I had lots of boyfriends that I was very very into and was even engaged, but I went through a lot of depression because they never loved me the way I needed to be loved (and 2 of them ended up being bisexual/possibly gay, and all of them were TOTALLY wrong for me), and I always just felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn't happy with or without a boyfriend. I was always turned on by them but when it came to penises--well, ugh. I think they're completely disgusting and I don't like doing anything with them directly, and I had some traumatic experiences with intercourse because it hurt me SO BADLY I cried. Eventually I got with one partner I did enjoy actual intercourse with, although I still absolutely hated blowjobs and handjobs.

I'm an extreme feminist and have always been girly to the point of not being able to relate to men AT ALL. Even as a child I always changed the boys in my coloring books to girls by adding eyelashes and long hair because I hated boys. I don't like sports, I'm highly intellectual, artsy and emotional, went to all-girls' middle school and college. I never had guy friends because I didn't know how to talk to guys. I just have no idea where they're coming from. They're just aliens to me. It used to really upset me. I never thought I was attracted to women, except some confusing fantasies/moments around age 11-12 that were quickly stifled. Also, I am much more turned on by scenarios than by visual cues, and I think women are more beautiful than men (although I didn't usually feel immediate, crazy lust for women like I did for men until recently), and I always masturbated to scenarios rather than people. In college I kissed a few girls at parties and thought I might be bisexual and even announced it to people, but got too scared to actually try anything more, like sex or dating.

Now, I started sleeping with a girl. I had a threesome with her and her girlfriend on a whim (sober). Then they broke up (not related to me) and she and I have been...well, dating. I get jealous when she looks at other people, the sex is incredible (I mean absolutely unbelievable), I feel like I want to BE with her. It freaks me out because my parents say I am absolutely disgusting and a whore and just going through a phase because I want sex. But now all I can think about is women, women, women. Sure, men turn me on, and I feel like it'd be ideal to be with a man because we could have babies and it would be okay in society and not complicated, but I think about women WAY more. Sometimes I feel like it's unnatural because women can't procreate together and I get scared that I'm doing something wrong, and my family would never accept it, and I'm afraid that I'm just going through a phase or reacting to my bad experiences with men. Maybe I'm not really gay or bi--maybe I just want the comfort/safety of being with a woman? Maybe I'm scared because of traumatic experiences with men? Why does being with a woman feel so COMFORTABLE (as in, I don't have anxiety, but I don't have crush-butterflies, either)? Do I just want a best friend? I do find sex with men demeaning and disempowering. Maybe that's part of it? And I'm REALLY turned on by very masculine/androgynous/butch women, who could dominate me but also still have that female energy. So maybe I'm just looking for a male replacement? I have no idea!!! Please give me guidance!!!

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 Posted: 2011-06-04 04:24 am
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Admin



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Hi and welcome to the lgbtcommunityforum.  I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share.  It sounds to me like you are definitely at least bisexual.  This isnt' the kind of thing you can rush.  Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to discover your sexuality.  Whatever you decide - bi or lesbian - it is in your dna and you were born with it so be proud of who and what you are.  Do not let others (including family members) make you feel like you are less than anybody else.  You are who you are and you should feel proud and happy about it.  We are all God's children and we are all perfect.

It might help you to watch the videos in the support section if you haven't already.  There are also many others who have posted with similar feelings.  They would be perfect people for you to have a dialogue with.

I am lesbian and never wanted anything to do with the penis - and never did - I went right to women! :)  However, most lesbians I know have had many sexual experiences with men before settling in on being lesbian.  We all take our own paths at our own pace.  Be patient and enjoy the ride.

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 Posted: 2011-06-13 12:30 pm
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roberthere

 

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Hi, there is nothing wrong in the way you are.. Its okay to be confused.. Just visit a psychologist or a counselor and discuss things with them.. It will be really helpful (experience speaks).. Hope you feel better soon..



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