I'm not into my 30's and have a family. I know some things about myself, but the more I find out the more questions I am left with and the more confussed I am.
This has led to on off depression (off is basically a burrying the depression..it never goes). Crying myself to sleep and a craving to find myself.
I slept with countless men growing up, I never connected with them, I know now I went over board because I was covering for something. the fact I was attracted to women.
MY family would have supported me fully, I know they would have, maybe even been greatful as my parents were horrified at how man boyfriends I got through (that they know of!).
All because I was compensating trying to fit into the "norm".
I also know that I like SOME men, men like Brian Molko, who like both sides and wear makeup and and femanine. I don't like body building, masuline men.
Then I met my husband, he's bi, so he once told me, he's "camp" I believe is a common term, he laughs like a girl and we'd sit discussing men he found attractive (and disagreeing as he liked very masculine men with tattoos, but pearcings and muscles...he likes his muscles.)
I liked men with long hair, who painted their nails black and were "gothy/emo" like. So there was SOME cross over.
I LOVE my husband, I really do. I couldn't image life without him, he is my best friend and my sole mate. But I have no sexual attraction like I used to (before he cut his hair...........bummer). He's manned up....he's to main stream male. He doesn't have that girly giggle anymore. His penis gives me shudders...not in a good way. Once upon a time he'd give me an orgasm but now thats all gone, and not through marraige, I'm just not attacted to him physically, but I do still love who he is. He'll never stop being my best friend and vuddle buddy every evening.
I crave a womans touch, contact and feel. There are still some men on my "if I ever met in my dreams list"....Brian Molko may have put some weight on but he'll never fall off that list.......
I miss my girlfriend from when I was at uni, I miss the feeling of hooking her jean belt loops in my finger and how her hips moved as she walked. Things a man can never come close to.
I used to have nightmares as a young teenager about women I knew, it wasn't until I grew older I realised thats because I was finding myself and realsing my attraction to them.
We were never a hush hush family, but I guess it never crossed my mum's mind I may be gay.
After all....I had boyfriends.
When I get dressed up I feel fake, makeup, hair, nails...I try for the "look" people expect but I'm not girly, I hate it. Makeup feels heavy and I'd rather throw my hair up in a knot and go up the farm and sit on the hay bales having a laugh with friends.
What does all of this make me? Friends from school that have "come out" are happily living their lives and here I am over 30 and still not sure what I am. What these thoughts and feelings mean.
Am I bisexual? Or am I a lesbian who is a bit of a rebel and finds femanine men attractive? Or are many bisexuals like that and prefer either masculine or femanine PEOPLE as opposed to a specific sex?
Given the choice....assuming Brian Molko isn't interested in a 30 somthing mother of two....I'd choose a woman, but then the small village I live in would hound my children so much I would always choose for their sakes a man to be "normal" on the outside of the sheltered views here. Ideally a man who I can have a giggle over other men and womens attractiveness with and who will share my eye liner...but a man.
Does this make any sense? I'm just spilling out the whole contence of my mind in the hope someone can piece it all together and help me understand my self.
I think this has all come to blows as I mentioned my husband told me years and years ago he liked men, he trusted me enough to open up to me and I was the first he told he was bi. However since he became a father he's shut it away, he wont discuss it, wont even give that naughty smile if I put a Hugh Jackman film on for him! Its like he's all of a sudden become embarassed about it!? I may as well be living with a straight guy, maybe he is...maybe he was just confussed over himself for years. I just don't know, but he wont dicuss it at all with me. Its a "closed" subject.
However its left me feeling exposed and alone.
Sometimes growth comes in our life when it isn't convenient. You can judge yourself because of the path you are on.
I think you are trying to define yourself without exploring - and that is impossible. You will never know if you are lesbian or bi until you explore.
Just because your husband has buried his bi tendencies, that doesn't mean you have to close yourself off to your sexuality. He travels his path and you travel your path. Even if you are married.
It is never a good idea, or fair, to lie to loved ones. Your husband deserves your honesty. He has to give you some room to explore. Only then will you know for sure who you are. At that point, you and your husband can decide how to move forward. Who knows, maybe you are meant to be best friends only. Which can still be very good for your children. Much better than both of you living lies.
Start with being honest with your husband. Be careful in your exploration so your kids are brought into this before it is time.
let us know how it goes.
Be confident in who you are as you begin to discover.