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 Posted: 2012-06-16 04:22 am
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archubbycub
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  Let me start by saying I am 35 years old and for a long time (since I was a late teen/young adult) I have had sort of an attraction to men, in particular larger men. Sort of a (secret) chubby chaser. 
  The reason I say secret, and the cause of a lot of turmoil in my life at this point, is because for almost 13 years now I have been married to a woman. And to complicate matters even more, we have two children.
  I have never acted upon this attraction, other than secretly fantasizing about other men and watching gay porn in absolute private. But it has been something that has "haunted me" (for lack of a better word) for a long time now. 
  When we married, I thought I was in love, and for a while things were good. But after the birth of our second child things started turning worse. 
  We started fighting almost constantly, and I will admit that I was not always the innocent one in it. It has come very close to one of us walking out on several occasions.
  I thought I was attracted to my wife, but as I look back on it now, I feel like sex between us has been a "have to" thing for a long time now. 
  I love my children. What kind of parent wouldn't? And I don't want to hurt them, but I can't help these thoughts and feelings I have inside. I'm coming to my wits end with this. How do I reconcile 13 years and two children with these thoughts and feelings without causing pain for everyone involved? :?



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 Posted: 2012-06-17 12:34 am
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ftmichael
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Lots of people come out after marrying and having children. You're hardly alone.

Be honest with your wife and children. They deserve honesty and they deserve to know your authentic self, even if that means the end of your marriage. It sounds like the marriage ending would cause everyone to breathe a sigh of relief even though it will still be a hard adjustment. Having a gay parent doesn't equal a broken home or miserable kids. Having parents who aren't in love and/or fight all the time does.

http://colage.org/ and http://camptentrees.org/ are great resources for your kids if they're interested at any point, including when they're teens or adults.

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 Posted: 2012-06-17 03:12 am
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archubbycub
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Thanks for the advice. I will definetly keep that in mind. I think I'm going to try and give the marriage on more shot. That way I it works out then great and if it doesn't ten nobody can say I didn't try. :)



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 Posted: 2012-06-17 12:27 pm
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ftmichael
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Sounds like you've already been trying for 13 years. I don't see it working out, to be blunt. Repressing yourself doesn't make for a happy marriage, and sets a terrible example for your kids. Surely you want better for them than that.

I very strongly advise therapy with someone who is LGBT-friendly, and connecting with more gay parents, especially those who were in straight marriages prior to coming out. There are loads out there. http://www.everyoneisgay.com/us/arkansas.html lists some resources for folks in Arkansas, although there are plenty of others to find that aren't listed there. PFLAG is a fantastic organisation.

Last edited on 2012-06-17 12:29 pm by

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 Posted: 2012-06-17 02:44 pm
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archubbycub
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You're right. We have been trying to work it out for a long time now. I've even mentioned marriage counseling several times but she refuses to go. She says she doesn't want to "air our dirty laundry." But still, I don't want to just up and leave. I'd rather bow out gracefully and try to remain friends, for the kids sake.



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 Posted: 2012-06-17 07:11 pm
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ftmichael
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If she won't go to a counsellor, go without her. Seriously.

Certainly, bow out gracefully and try to remain friends, but don't cling desperately to something that's not working. Again, think about the example you're setting for your kids; they're watching and taking it all in, even when it doesn't seem like it. It's not like you don't have the perfect out anyway; you know exactly what the issue is, and it's not that you or she is a horrible person. Just come out, say that repressing this part of yourself has contributed to the problems you've been having, and suggest that some time apart (from her, not from the kids - be clear about that with her and with them) might be the best thing for everyone.

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 Posted: 2012-06-17 09:57 pm
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archubbycub
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I think she suspects it already anyway. She has asked me several times over the past few years if I was and at first it would make me mad, but recently I have just been saying no and going on. But then I told her the other night during one of our many fights how I had a dream that I "came out" and everything went to hell. I tried to play it off as just a dream, but I can't stop thinking about that dream. I don't think the kids suspect though.



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And there's nothing wrong with me
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That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-06-18 08:29 pm
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archubbycub
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Just an update. Been doing a lot of "soul searching" the past few days. Still haven't worked up the nerve to say anything again yet. Was up late last night really thinking this thing through. I want to get it out in the open both with my wife and kids, but still don't want anyone hurt. I hate feeling like this but I also hate living a lie. Anyone else have any suggestions? Not that what ftmichael said hasn't been a big help, would just like someone else's opinion too. :whatever:



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 Posted: 2012-06-19 06:02 am
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marshmallow

 

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I agree with ftmichael.  You have tried a long time.  You NEED to be honest with your wife about your sexual orientation.  How you two work it out after that is up to you.  Maybe the two of you will agree to you trying out being with a man and gathering your thoughts on the situation.  Maybe she'll say "no way - this is over".  In any event - you can not control how she is going to react.  The only thing you can control is being true to yourself and stepping up to do the right thing. 

I'd hold off on telling the kids until you and your wife have it all figured out. 

However, if you feel like it is over between you and your wife - even without your being attracted to men - then you should just get up the guts to be honest and end it now.

Either way - you need to respect your wife enough to be completely honest with her.  You can not avoid hurting feelings - however, you can avoid disrespecting your wife.  Honor her by being honest.  This way, if you do end up divorcing you have a better chance of staying friends for life - much better for the kids.

 

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 Posted: 2012-06-19 08:03 pm
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archubbycub
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marshmallow wrote:
I agree with ftmichael.  You have tried a long time.  You NEED to be honest with your wife about your sexual orientation.  How you Atwo work it out after that is up to you.  Maybe the two of you will agree to you trying out being with a man and gathering your thoughts on the situation.  Maybe she'll say "no way - this is over".  In any event - you can not control how she is going to react.  The only thing you can control is being true to yourself and stepping up to do the right thing. 

I'd hold off on telling the kids until you and your wife have it all figured out. 

However, if you feel like it is over between you and your wife - even without your being attracted to men - then you should just get up the guts to be honest and end it now.

Either way - you need to respect your wife enough to be completely honest with her.  You can not avoid hurting feelings - however, you can avoid disrespecting your wife.  Honor her by being honest.  This way, if you do end up divorcing you have a better chance of staying friends for life - much better for the kids.
 


You're both right. I've been thinking all this over and I agree. It's time I stop lying, to everyone, including myself. I've asked her if we can talk when she gets home from work. I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous as hell, but I know this has to be done and I know it's the right thing to do. Thank you both for your advice. I sincerely appreciate it and will let you know how it goes.



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

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 Posted: 2012-06-19 08:10 pm
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marshmallow

 

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Very good decision.  It is tough but you are standing up and doing the right thing for sure.  She will thank you for it in the future.  I think you will fee quite a bit of relief - just try to be there for her in helping her understand you.

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 Posted: 2012-06-20 12:13 am
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archubbycub
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Well that went over horribly! And now it's nothing but a huge mess. She made me call my parents and have them come over and it ended up me confessing to the kids and my mom and dad at the same time. Now my mom, Mrs. Super Baptist, is trying to "fix" me and the kids are devestated and my wife and I are at each others throats. I think she thinks she can change me and that my thoughts and feelings will go away! Why can't they see who I really am? :(



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And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
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That don' believe in me

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 Posted: 2012-06-20 01:07 am
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archubbycub
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This is fucking miserable. It almost makes me wish I hadn't said anything. I mean it felt good to finally admit it, but it was totally not the way I wanted to, especially with the kids and my parents. I feel like I was forced into that one. An she keeps making me feel bad by saying she diesn't know how she'll make it.

Last edited on 2012-06-20 01:37 am by archubbycub



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And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
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That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-06-20 03:31 pm
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archubbycub
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Things are somewhat better today. Still a lot of crying and emotions (which I know is to be expected) but at least we are talking without yelling and screaming. She wants me to speak with our pastor, which I am nervous as hell about, but the thing that gets me the most is she keeps throwing it in my face that we live in a small town and if word of this gets out people are going to make fun of the kids. I know she's hurt, and scared, and everything else, but I wish she would realize that it would be the same if not worse if I found another man and fooled around on her with him and we got caught. I'm sorry if I'm ranting but it helps to talk about all of this. Even if it is just through this media.



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And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-06-20 04:26 pm
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marshmallow

 

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I think you need to take control of the situation a little bit.  You do want to be understanding - but you have to make sure she understands that she needs to get beyond her anger a little bit in order to protect the kids.  She should not be blaming the kids because noone will know unless she starts spreading the word in anger.  She shouldn't have forced you to tell them and your parents until the time was appropriate - that was her mistake - not yours. 

I would talk to your parents and tell them this is a journey you have to take on your own terms and ask them to please keep it quiet - for the sake of the kids.  You also need to get this across to your wife. 

It is up to you when you come out.

Also, unless you really want to talk to your priest - do not do it!  Do not be forced into a situation where she is trying to change you.  You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with you!  She will, of course, be able to live a full and happy life. 

So, if possible, try to walk the line between supporting what she is going through - but also protecting yourself and your children.  Don't let her control this.

Remember - you do not need to be changed and you are just fine the way you are.  Her anger is because she is scared and does not want to loose you and be alone and you can acknowledge that to her - yet stay proud and firm in what you know about yourself to be true.  You were born gay (or bi) and there is nothing at all wrong with you. 

You did the right thing by being honest and she will eventually understand that.  In the meantime, she needs to protect the kids and watch what she does because of anger.

Keep posting!

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 Posted: 2012-06-20 05:30 pm
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archubbycub
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Now she's telling me she doesn't know how she'll live I I walk out and talking like she's going to do something crazy to herself. Then she's saying give it a year until our oldest graduates high school and we'll see where we go from there. But I'm afraid it's only going to get worse if I wait. She's throwing everything she's ever done for me in my face and it's where part of me is hurting for her, but the other part just wants to walk out right now.



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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 Posted: 2012-06-21 06:02 am
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marshmallow

 

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I think the longer you wait the worse it will be.  You will know what is the right thing to do if you pay attention to your gut and what it is saying to you.  If you know without a doubt that you are done, then it seems like you are prolonging the inevitable and you will both go through a terrible year - not to mention what it would do to the kids.

Stay strong and do what is in your heart.  Treat her with kindness - but do what is right for you - and in the end, for her.

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 Posted: 2012-06-21 01:57 pm
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archubbycub
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THIS IS KILLING ME!!!! Inside I know that I am attracted to men, even if I've never had in sort of physical relationship with another man. I have done everything I know to do to try and change this, to ignore it, to make it go away an nothing works. I have told her that I do love her but I'm not in love with her. I've told her that I can't even get aroused without thinking about another man. I've told her that I will still support her an the kids, but she keeps fighting me on all of this and saying she knows beyond anything that I am in love with her and have been from day one and she's not going to let me leave. She's even hinted that if I leave her she's going to kill herself. I can't have that on my conscience for the rest of my life!! I am going out of mind!!!



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And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
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That don' believe in me

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 Posted: 2012-06-21 02:54 pm
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marshmallow

 

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No doubt she is experiencing the feelings she is describing.  My guess is that most people who make those claims do not follow through - unless, of course, they are already mentally challenged and are inclined to suicidal attempts just generally.  Not so sure if I worded that correctly but I think you know what I mean.  And - I'm not a therapist - so, only you know whether she is inclined to such things.  If you think she is - maybe getting someone to stay with her for a while will help.

Stay strong.  You are doing the right thing.  Maybe bringing her to a counsel to talk about her feelings would help her pull it together.  Not a marriage counseler where she will be tempted to turn the situation around on you - but a counseler that can help her deal with her feelings.

You can assure her that you do love her - and she is right about that.  But that it is a different kind of love. And that you are sorry it took you so long to identify your sexual orientation.  Assure her that your love for her is very deep - but not in a sexual way - and that you will always be in her life - just differently.

The feelings of sexual orientation will not go away.  As much as one tries to stuff them and ignore them, they will surface.

Maybe a trial separation would be easier for her to swallow?  You can move out, experiement, collect your feelings and thoughts.  She can take time to get use to the idea of you being in her life in a different way.

Stay calm and strong.

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 Posted: 2012-06-21 05:34 pm
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archubbycub
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The thing is, I think she would do something to harm herself. She is bi-polar and is on medication. And if she did do something I would feel so guilty for the rest of my life. Not to mention what I would do to the kids!



____________________
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm suppose to be
In a land of make believe
That don' believe in me

"Jesus of Suburbia" --Green Day
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